The Unexpected Upside of Losing Friends After Divorce

Today, I want to unpack the necessary benefits of losing friends after divorce. But of course, anytime there’s an upside to something, there’s also a downside. So, we will also talk about the downsides of losing friends after divorce. Then we’re going to hear from Tinsley, who wrote into our “Getting Unstuck” segment, as she is struggling with the idea that it is hard to be happy for friends who are celebrating milestones.

When you Google the idea of losing friends after divorce, you’ll read a lot about why it happens—and there are a lot of fantastic explanations. I was pretty impressed with what I found when I Googled it. But I want to highlight the benefits because it is an essential aspect of life after divorce.

Your Future Self and Your Current Self

When you got divorced – whether you wanted this divorce or not – you had a vision for your future.

You had a vision of the woman you want to be and the life you want to have. And what you were visualizing was certainly better than where you’ve been. You had this idea of the man you were going to be with, the things you were going to do together, how you were going to be a family, how you were going to have fun, and how you were going to do hard things together. You had a vision of what you wanted.

The reality is that you need to become a different person to get that life that you visualize. Your future self is a very different phase than your current self.

This transformative process involves shedding a lot of elements of your previous life.

Not just losing friends after divorce, but ways of relating to yourself and ways of relating to other people.

That’s the beauty of this process: recognizing that what you’re aiming for is greater than where you’ve been.

We women can acknowledge that it’s painful to let go of those things. There are feelings of loss, there’s a recalibration, there’s thinking, “Who am I now?”

There is a tendency for us to go to that place of asking, “Why was I not worth it? Why didn’t they fight for me? Why didn’t they want to be with me?”

That’s where we get stuck and where we go into toxic grieving. We keep rehashing or rehearsing that losing these folks – whether it was your ex, your friends, some of his family members, or even your own family members.

When you associate it with feeling like there’s something wrong with you, the process gets toxic.

Find a Moment of Acknowledgement and Gratitude for Former Friendships

When we women look at it, there’s a life out there for you that is more aligned, where there’s a greater depth, where the friendships have a greater depth, and where your relationship with your higher power and with yourself is more intimate, more nuanced, and grounded in things that are meaningful and true.

So, keep aiming for that.

Take a moment to pause and be grateful for those friendships. Thank them for everything that they provided for you in that season and time.

Rather than being angry with them, disappointed in them, or resentful for the fact that they moved on, pause to find a moment of gratitude. Acknowledge that those relationships filled a need at the time based on who you were in that season.

Any time I tackle a new, big goal, it is a very valuable consideration to say, “What am I willing to let go of?” This is where we women need to get more and more honest with ourselves in this process. Losing friends after divorce is an essential part of our growth.

Let Go of Things That Hold You Back

When we women tackle a massive transformation or growth, there are elements of our existing life that we have to be willing to let go of.

Sometimes those things are friends. Sometimes it’s our ego. Sometimes it’s time and money that we have to invest in the transformation process. Sometimes it’s our comfort zone.

We have to be willing to let go of what feels comfortable, familiar, and ultimately is holding us back.

Change Your Vibration to Attract What You Want

Everything is vibrational. There is a very real science to losing friends after divorce. If we women are working on manifesting a new post-divorce life and raising our vibration, it’s important to understand that everything we attract is based on our current vibrational state.

It only makes sense that what we’re attracting at various seasons of our life will reflect where we are now.

When we’re in a grief state, we are very vibrationally low. People who are in a more positive place may not be able to sit with that.

People who have done enough work integrating their pain, processing it, and letting it go have no problem sitting with you when you’re in pain.

So, it’s a good calibration to know that people who have made peace with their pain are pretty good at holding space for yours. This is what we want to start attracting and noticing about friendships.

So, let’s get into the very real problem with losing friends during this season. It’s a season where you’ve just lost half of your resources – whether that’s time, money, space, friends, or a support system.

Even though you have this opportunity to create so much more, you’re dealing with a sensation that you have less.

Build a Robust Support System

When we women are struggling, we need a robust support system.

A support system is a way that we get better when we are in a healing process.

I think that when losing longtime friends after divorce, having that support system is key.

This is one of the reasons why I dove hard into the healing world. You hear me talk from time to time about Al-Anon.

I picked up the phone, and I called people when I needed help, which wasn’t easy. I joined a women’s therapy group, and I use that phone list, too. I met some of my dearest friends during my divorce, in either group therapy or an Al-Anon meeting.

They’re women who have been by my side – and me by theirs – through and through since those moments.

Find Friends Who Understand What You Are Going Through

One of the struggles in this season of life is spending time with people who get what you’re going through, especially if they’re also struggling and in pain. But these friendships can sometimes feel very heavy. If they are dealing with the same things you’re dealing with, it can be tempting to spend your time talking about what sucks right now rather than what is working. There can be bad habits around gossip and commiserating together – misery loves company.

That’s not what I want for you.

• I want you to build relationships where you are each encouraging each other to grow. To make decisions that your future self will be immensely proud of you for.
• I want you to seek friendships with people who are also learning to process their losses, integrate their pain, and deal with themselves.
• I want this to be a season of you attracting other women who are growing and who are making decisions that their future selves would be proud of them for.

And it can be tricky to find those people.

Find Safe Spaces for You to Share

This idea is one of the reasons why we created our group program for women.

It’s a curated group of women who will be a safe place for you to share, and the focus will be positive.

One of the things that we intentionally built into the program was play, fun, and time for socialization. So much of our pain is automatically transformed when we are playing – we are laughing, we are connecting, we are in a community.

Positive peer culture is a natural medicine for any sort of pain. If your support system is too small or negative, it’s an issue.

I want you to set the intention to reach for positive women, to go find them, and to say yes to trying new things after your divorce.

Accept That Others Happiness Creates Pain

So let’s dig into Tinsley, who wrote in and said, “It is hard to be happy.” And, oh, man, do I relate to Tinsley’s season in that. For me, when I was getting divorced, I was in my thirties, and I had no kids yet, so baby showers were the hardest thing for me. I would buy a gift and go, and I would be positive. But it was very, very painful. There were many times when I had to step out of a baby shower, cry in a corner, pull myself together, and come back. But Tinsley said, “It is very hard for me to be happy for people right now, people who are getting engaged and married or having babies. It feels like a gut punch every time I see it on social media.

How do I not get triggered or feel bitter every time I hear or see someone else celebrating their joy?”

Stop Comparing Yourself

Tinsley’s question is really relatable, especially in the way that social media triggers us to compare ourselves. Gosh, we have become such a culture of comparing ourselves to other people. So I would say, Tinsley, it’s not that I don’t want you to get triggered. I want you to run with the triggers.

Triggers are beautiful opportunities and pockets of healing opportunity for us.

When we get triggered, we need to use a tool, like EFT tapping, immersive journaling, or bilateral stimulation that we use in EMDR, to write down the symptoms we’re experiencing and share it with our therapist or do some embodiment work.

Identify Your Triggers

Get into your body and process, process, process those feelings. Bitterness comes from us doubting what is possible for ourselves.

If I trusted and believed that I could have the thing, I don’t think I would be so bitter. I would be feeling impatient, disappointed, a little sad, or maybe even jealous.

But bitterness is, “You get to have something I don’t get to have.”

That’s where we have to dig deeper into our faith and take a look at where our negative beliefs are dictating how we perceive the world around us.

Recognize Your Negative Beliefs

I cannot emphasize enough how much bitterness is a direct outcome of negative beliefs. The key is when you see people who are celebrating joyous occasions, ask yourself: “What is the negative belief that is unfolding here?”

• You can’t have what you want?
• You’re not good enough?
• You’re not worth it?
• You’re not lovable?

I want to encourage you, Tinsley, that this is just not the case. If you are serious about wanting certain things in your post-divorce life, then I want you to write those things down.

What is it that you’re seeing other people have that you’re afraid you can’t have? And then ask yourself, “Who am I willing to become to manifest those things? What work am I willing to do?”

Become the Best Version of Yourself

The process of transformation takes time on purpose. It would be so much easier if I just had all this money in the bank, the perfect partner, and an ideal life.

Who you are today and who you will be when you have those things is a process of transformation.

And it is a process of rewiring your subconscious mind and re-acclimating your nervous system. When it happens all at once, it is very uncomfortable.

That’s why people who win the lottery, more often than not, end up in poverty again down the road, because they were not adequately equipped to handle the experiences that came with that much abundance.

Be Open to Receive

This is a process of expanding your capacity for abundance. Tinsley, where are you still uncomfortable receiving? Where are you still doubting what’s possible for your life?

Get busy working on reprogramming those negative beliefs into positive beliefs.

I would love to hear how it goes or what you discover when you find which negative beliefs you’ve been leaning into.

Thank you so much for being here, reading this post about losing friends after divorce, and learning more about the unexpected upside this brings for your personal growth, for believing in yourself enough, and for having enough courage to make this transformation and to do this hard work. I love you so much. Peace.