Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Post Divorce

Today we’re talking about recovering from narcissistic abuse, a topic I have previously avoided. Narcissistic abuse and its recovery are a complex issue.

It often stems from early childhood attachment concerns, codependency, and attachment trauma. It then creates its own trauma to recover from. So the recovery is nuanced, and the conversation can get intense.

The Overemphasis on Narcissism in Divorce Recovery

For many reasons, I’ve avoided talking about it because in the history of my therapy practice, I find that it’s not the main issue in divorce recovery. Somehow, the topic of narcissism became incredibly popular, leading many of us to Google it.

And because we began googling it, content creators everywhere monopolized that, and they started creating endless content about narcissistic abuse, watering down the concept for the handful of people who have really suffered from true narcissistic abuse.

Narcissism in Culture and Social Media’s Role

Now, the reality is we have become, especially here in Western culture, very narcissistic. As a culture, we are self-obsessed – and social media has played a massive role in that.

We women are constantly comparing ourselves to someone else, constantly analyzing whether or not we’re good enough, and buying another product that we don’t need that doesn’t actually solve the problem.

In my therapy practice, I see a lot of what we would call narcissistic tendencies or traits. But true narcissism is something that I don’t encounter all that often – and I have had a private practice in a highly populated, affluent area where you would expect to see more narcissism. I’ve probably worked with a handful of true narcissists throughout my career.

So how does that stack up against the narcissistic abuse conversation and what do we do with that information?

Everything exists on a spectrum. There can be mild narcissistic traits and then there can be full-blown narcissistic personality disorder.

But it is something very, very real that needs to be recovered from, and it is a tricky thing to do.

So how can we understand this better?

Well, the most important thing I want you to know about recovering from narcissistic abuse is to not focus on it.

Do not focus on narcissism as being the source of the issue, because when we come out of narcissistic relationships, we feel lost, confused, not sure what’s real and convinced that we were the problem.

What You Focus on Grows: Shifting Your Healing Approach

When you’re recovering from narcissism, it can be really hard to know what to focus on. And so when you find content that seems to explain your reality and validate your experience, you feel seen, heard, and less crazy. There’s something very freeing about hearing that content.

It feels like the perfect key that helps unlock your understanding of how you got here. But the reality is that what we focus on grows. When you focus on narcissistic abuse as a topic within your healing, you are activating more potential to be abused in your life after divorce.

When we study the Law of Attraction, we understand that where we put our focus is what we call to us.

The more you expose yourself to narcissism and those concepts, and feel like a victim of it, the more you will remain trapped, cycling between anxiety and anger.

How to Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

The initial boost you get from understanding how narcissism works and the effects it has can be great. But then move on, because in a vibrational world, like calls to like.

Narcissists vibrate very low on the emotional guidance scale as they feel a lot of self-loathing, fear, and anxiety.

But guess what? Codependency vibrates at an equally low vibration.

The Vibrational Connection Between Narcissism and Codependency

The Role of Childhood Attachment and Dysregulation

As equally low-vibe states, the narcissist and the codependent are drawn to each other like a moths to a flame.

Codependency often stems from feelings of anxiety and low self-worth, it’s just expressed differently than narcissism.

In relationships, these dynamics can unintentionally align, with a codependent partner seeking support and validation, and a narcissistic partner seeking admiration and dominance. This can create a cycle where both partners reinforce each other’s behaviors.

But typically, people who end up in these types of relationships have experienced a lot of childhood distress, as well as having massive attachment wounds and nervous system dysregulation.

This means that recovering from narcissistic abuse is key for their healing process.

Rebuilding Discernment and Self-Trust

Your job is to recognize that what you focus on grows. You are better off focusing on owning your subconscious pieces that cause you to attract narcissistic abuse, and getting grounded in what is real.

When I was first divorced, I lost my sense of discernment and my capacity to trust myself. But I was predisposed to that when I got married, as I grew up with two parents who were very controlling and had a lot of narcissistic traits. And so I had lost my capacity to know the difference between when I was experiencing anxiety or intuition.

The Power of Affirmations and Positive Thinking

My strategy in those moments was to go to places that seemed to create powerful results. So, I went back to church, I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I went to yoga. These were three places that I started and I learned the principles behind each of these programs. And I could see there was alignment between Jesus’ words, yogic principles and the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous.

At this time, I also started studying Louise Hay, who says that you can heal your life based on positive thinking, positive beliefs, and affirmations, all of which can help to recover from narcissistic abuse.

Practical Tools for Healing and Grounding

I used these tools. I would walk around with a daily reader from Alcoholics Anonymous in my purse, so when I would feel anxious, resentful, lost, confused or mixed up, I would go to these texts and I would say, “What have other people learned that can guide me?”

Our lives end up being an accumulation of what we think, what we feel, what we believe, and what we choose.

And so when I realized I couldn’t trust my thoughts and feelings, I would go back to all these places and I would say, “What do these texts say about what I’m thinking and feeling about myself, other people, and the world around me?”

And I made that a habit, because when you don’t know what’s real and you start living a life from that place of confusion, the post-divorce life that you create will become pretty chaotic – if it isn’t already.

I started building my life on the foundation of concepts like Jesus’ teachings, which was how I would make my decisions. And when I joined a therapy group or did some healing principle practice, I made sure that it was not based on irrational or negative thoughts, feelings, or beliefs that I had about myself or somebody else.

Transforming Negative Beliefs into Positive Ones

The most important thing that you can be focusing on is building a life of positivity, hope, and healing after divorce.

It’s also key to get to the root of negative beliefs that you hold about yourself and your safety in the world, and transform those into positive beliefs.

Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be transformed.

So you have to transform those negative beliefs into positive beliefs. You’ve heard me talk about lots of ways to do that, but when you focus on narcissistic abuse content, it will keep you stuck.

The more valuable thing you can do is to focus on the positive beliefs you want to embody in your life and the places in which those positive beliefs are taught and are reinforced, so that you can stand firm on what you know is real – because so much of what you’re thinking and feeling is not real, it’s based on years of being gaslighted.

Owning Your Journey to Recovery

I want you to own the issues that caused you to attract narcissistic abuse in the first place. Typically, it’s very low self-worth, a lot of internal confusion, and a lack of self belief.

What we women focus on grows, so when you focus on positivity, wellness, wholeness and hope, that’s what will grow.

And I want you to look at what’s real in life, not just the thoughts, feelings, and old negative beliefs that you’ve been living from.

The reality is, if your ex truly has narcissistic traits or has narcissistic personality disorder, you’re in a great place right now recovering from narcissistic abuse.

There is a very real opportunity for you to have a more secure, stable life after divorce than you have probably ever had.

That’s the power and the purpose that I want you to step into: owning your life, owning your truth, standing on what’s true, recovering from narcissistic abuse, and for once and for all, finding a place of security and well-being.

Connecting for Support

If you haven’t already, I’d love for you to find me on Instagram. I love connecting with you on Instagram. It’s my favorite place to hang out on socials. I’m always discovering new and inspiring things on Instagram, and I’d love to share some of my favorite accounts with you.

I love you so much. Peace.