5 Signs You’re Ready to Date Again

Deciding when you’re ready to date again after a breakup or divorce is a deeply personal journey. Jumping in too soon can reopen wounds, but waiting too long might close you off from connection. So how do you know when the time is right? Here, divorce coach Dawn helps you identify five signs that suggest you’re truly ready to open your heart again—with clarity, confidence, and self-respect. Whether you’re newly single or it’s been a while since your divorce, these insights can help you navigate your next chapter after divorce with intention and hope.

5 Takeaways

1. You’ve made peace with your past — You no longer feel angry, bitter, or emotionally reactive about your ex or the breakup. It doesn’t mean you have to be grateful for everything that happened or pretend it was all sunshine and rainbows. Making peace with your past simply means you can think about your ex or your breakup without that familiar knot forming in your stomach or your heart racing with anger. You know you’ve reached this sweet spot when you can talk about your past relationship in a pretty neutral way, maybe even with some compassion for both of you. You’re not carrying around that heavy emotional baggage anymore, which is huge because it means you won’t place it on a new person or relationship who had nothing to do with your past hurt. When you’ve done this work, you can actually see potential partners for who they are, not as stand-ins for your ex or people who might hurt you the same way.
2. You’re excited by the idea of connection, not just feeling lonely — You want companionship from a place of joy, not from avoiding solitude. There’s such a beautiful distinction between “I’m so excited to share my life with someone amazing” versus “I just can’t stand being alone anymore.” When you’re genuinely ready, the thought of meeting someone new feels exciting and hopeful rather than desperate. You’re not scrolling dating apps at 2 am because the silence in your house feels unbearable—you’re choosing to put yourself out there because you have so much love and joy to share. This shift changes everything because when you date from that excited, abundant place, you naturally have higher standards.
3. You feel whole on your own — You’re not looking for someone to fix or complete you, as you’re already your own safe space. I see so many women struggle with this, and honestly, it’s probably the hardest to achieve. Feeling whole doesn’t mean you’re some perfectly healed woman who never has bad days — it means you’ve learned how to comfort yourself when you’re upset, celebrate your wins, and generally be good company for yourself. You’ve figured out how to regulate your own emotions instead of needing someone else to make you feel better all the time. When you reach this place, dating becomes so much more fun. You’re thinking, “My life is pretty great already — I wonder if this person would be a lovely addition to it?” You bring your whole, authentic self to the table.
4. You have clear boundaries and self-worth — You know what you want and won’t settle just to avoid being alone. This is where the magic happens, love! When you’ve developed solid boundaries, you notice the little things that feel off and you trust yourself enough to pay attention to them. Maybe it’s how he talks to his ex, or how he handles stress, or those subtle comments that make your stomach clench just a little. Instead of brushing those feelings aside or making excuses, you honor what your body is telling you. And here’s the beautiful part: you’re willing to walk away even from someone who seems great on paper if they don’t feel right in your gut. It’s about knowing that being alone is so much better than being with the wrong person. When you have this level of self-respect, you attract people who respect your boundaries.
5. You feel emotionally open and curious — You’re ready to explore possibilities with an open heart, not a guarded one. After you’ve been hurt, it takes bravery to stay open to love again. But when you’re ready to date, you find yourself genuinely curious about new people instead of constantly scanning for danger signs or reasons why it won’t work out. You’re able to share stories from your life, laugh at yourself, and be authentically you without constantly editing yourself to seem more appealing. You’re not performing some “perfect” version of yourself or hiding parts of who you are because you’re afraid they won’t like the real you. This openness is like relationship magic because it allows actual intimacy to develop—the kind where someone falls for who you really are, not some carefully curated version. Sure, you might still feel butterflies or nerves, but underneath it all, you trust yourself to handle whatever comes up.

Timestamps & Chapters

• 00:00 Navigating Relationships and Readiness
• 05:56 Dating with Low Self-Esteem Pattern
• 09:27 Evaluating Subtle Dating Behaviors
• 10:58 Evaluating Personal Trauma and Self-Care
• 15:27 Pre-Marriage Conversations Essential
• 16:55 Date Two Years Before Moving In
• 20:14 Navigating Co-Parenting Challenges
• 25:08 Self-Abandonment in Relationships
• 26:47 Finding Readiness in Healthy Dating
• 31:33 Post-Divorce Doubts About True Love
• 33:32 Trust Your Instincts in Relationships
• 37:22 Healing Journey Through Breathwork & EMDR

Full Transcript

Dawn Wiggins [00:00:00]: Coach Tiffany, it’s so good to have you today.

Tiffini [00:00:02]: Yes. I’m so excited. Hello.

Dawn Wiggins [00:00:05]: So we have been chatting with listeners, right, in our email. If you don’t get our emails, we. We want to send you emails, right? So if you’ve ever downloaded Post Divorce roadmap or the loneliness roadmap, you get our emails. If you’ve ever been, I don’t know, you could be getting our emails for lots of reasons, but we’ve been getting listeners submitted questions about dating through our email list and also through our community. Right. Where women are taking our courses and doing the journaling and the various things. And so you’ve been chatting with women in the app.

Tiffini [00:00:36]: Yes.

Dawn Wiggins [00:00:37]: And we just knew it was time to record an episode. Right. Answering all these great juicy dating questions. It’s like one of the trickiest things post divorce, right. Rebuilding your self esteem, but like, oh, this is so hard and confusing. And then when you go to, like, just even be on an app or whatever, it triggers all this anxiety and all this stuff. So, yeah, let’s. Let’s tackle the questions.

Dawn Wiggins [00:01:01]: So there are three big themes I sense that are coming up for our listeners. And it’s sort of this idea of how do I avoid repeating past mistakes? How do I not abandon myself? How do I know if this person is safe? Right? So there’s this. We’re going to talk about the repeating past mistakes concept. There’s also this sort of theme of dating with kids. How do I tackle, you know, is it time to introduce? Is it not? Do I move in? Do I not? How do I go slow but still really get to know a person as much as I need to get to know them? And then there’s also this sort of inquiry about how will I know when I’m ready and if I am ready, where do I find people? Right? So these are sort of the three themes that, you know, from all the submissions that we’re. We’re seeing here. So, coach Tiffany, let’s dig into the first one. This idea about how do I not repeat the same mistakes.

Dawn Wiggins [00:01:56]: I have a super hot take on this, but what’s yours?

Tiffini [00:01:59]: Yeah, I think that, you know, my biggest fear when I started getting back out there was, you know, I didn’t trust myself to make any sort of a decision at all. I did not trust that the people I was meeting were good people. I always had issues, really, like, I don’t know, leaning into who this person was. Right. Trusting myself that this was going to be a good person for me to end up with. Are they lying? Are they not lying? Do they like me? Do they not like me? Why do they like me? And so why do they like me?

Dawn Wiggins [00:02:28]: You have some. Yeah. You have some thoughts about that?

Tiffini [00:02:31]: Yeah, absolutely. And so when your confidence is shot and you start trying to date, the caliber of men that you will attract from a place of low self esteem is not great. It’s not. And so you have to kind of sift through this process of hit and miss for quite a long time until you find more of yourself through your dating and you get better and better at it.

Dawn Wiggins [00:02:58]: I love that because it’s a feedback loop, right? You try something and you’re like, oh, that didn’t work. Oh, I liked that part. So I actually, my hot take is it’s a guarantee you’re going to repeat your same patterns and mistakes. It’s a guarantee. So let’s just like remove that friction that, oh, I can’t date until I’m, till I’m no longer repeating my mistakes. Because we’re all born with certain liabilities and certain habits and patterns. And yes, we’re here doing this sort of healing work. If you want to call it work, I’d rather call it play.

Dawn Wiggins [00:03:30]: But we’re, we’re doing this healing stuff right, so that we can respond to our patterns differently, we can approach them from a different angle, but let’s just take that pressure off right here. Guaranteed you’re going to repeat your patterns. So then it’s more about like, how are you going to meet yourself differently when those patterns happen? So, you know, talk to us about that, Tiffany. Like, you know, when I’m observing myself doing a pattern with a man and I want to historically run away or shut down or suppress what I’m feeling, what are your thoughts about how to do the patterns differently?

Tiffini [00:04:05]: Yeah, I think the way that you can figure yourself out is if you realize that you’re in the same game with different players. I found myself in this loop where I would date the same kind of guys. They even look the same. My friends at one point were laughing at me and saying, don’t even send us a picture because we already know what they look like.

Dawn Wiggins [00:04:21]: That’s hysterical.

Tiffini [00:04:22]: I know, but I was stuck in this loop of I wanted the same types of men. And so it was my comfort zone and it kept producing the same types of problems. They were men that time and time again would lie, step out of the relationship, weren’t that committed, had their own issues, their own trauma. Men who weren’t working through their own divorce. Right. Like I finally had this cardinal role. And maybe that’s a great way to explain it. It’s kind of a free for all when you’re first in the dating world and then all of a sudden you start creating these rules and boundaries for yourself in dating.

Tiffini [00:04:56]: Like, one of my biggest rules was I never dated a man or would agree to date a man who was not divorced for one year, not separated for one year, or the divorce wasn’t actually final for an entire year. And that was a game changer.

Dawn Wiggins [00:05:09]: Yes.

Tiffini [00:05:10]: I heard, oh, God, I was the rebound girl so many times. And then I would get the, oh, I’m not ready for the level of commitment year. I cannot tell you how many times I heard that. So I think as you throw yourself out there, you’re going to start having a rulebook, and the rule book becomes very important to be looking at when you’re assessing each guy that you’re considering.

Dawn Wiggins [00:05:31]: So. But what does that say about our listeners who maybe started dating before their divorce was finalized for a year?

Tiffini [00:05:37]: I did it. Are you kidding me? I was in a relationship very quickly after, like my separation.

Dawn Wiggins [00:05:44]: Yeah.

Tiffini [00:05:45]: So I’m not saying it’s not a bad thing, and I’m not saying that you can’t meet your soulmate that way, but it’s just more rare. It’s very rare.

Dawn Wiggins [00:05:52]: Way more rare. And adjust your expectations of how it’s gonna go. Right?

Tiffini [00:05:56]: Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:05:56]: I think one of the patterns I had the hardest time in dating was I was always coming from an energetic, energetic perspective of that I was being interviewed, that I had to be chosen by this person and not that I was interviewing them. And that was just how shot my self esteem was that I didn’t feel like I could choose. So I was just sort of always trying to get chosen, which means I wasn’t showing up as my fully authentic self. I was doing everything I could to become chosen rather than to determine whether or not this was a healthy relationship. And so that was my pattern. Right. Was to, you know, suppress my needs, wants, true expressions in order to just. And that was all this anxious attachment crap coming up.

Dawn Wiggins [00:06:45]: And so it wasn’t that I stopped dating per se. I did, I did take a hiatus, a very long hiatus, a year plus from dating at all. And then when I did date and I felt that pattern coming up, I would take it to my therapy group. Right. I would take it to the women that I was in this healing journey with. I would take it to my therapist. I would take it to the healing spaces where I could get Feedback and make sure that I was in touch with the times when I was abandoning myself or betraying myself or I was in touch with how I could navigate conflict differently. I was getting resourced right around it, rather than being sort of underground about my behavior or my dating choices.

Tiffini [00:07:24]: Yeah, but like, how do you know? Because when you first get out of a marriage, so much of your identity is caught up in your husband and being a wife, and so it’s hard to figure out what you like to do. And so I remembered being on the apps and men would ask me, like, what do you like to do for fun? I have no idea. I have no clue. And so it was really sad because I remember when I would be messaging somebody on an app or on a first date with them, trying to figure out in my mind, how can I change myself to be accepted by this person? How can I magically start loving all of the things that this man likes so that he’ll choose me? Because I can’t stand to not be chosen, even if he’s not what I want. Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:08:06]: Right.

Tiffini [00:08:06]: I still need him to choose me because I need to feel validated in that moment.

Dawn Wiggins [00:08:11]: Yeah. And listen, I think that’s a tricky. Like, you know, however many years later, there’s a homeopathic remedy for that. So, like, if you’re noticing that that’s your pattern, like, hit me. There is a solution. I think that if you’re noticing that you’re having this waiting to be chosen versus doing the choosing pattern, that is really something to dig into before you continue dating. I think there’s this piece also about how do I know if this person is safe? How do I know if I can be vulnerable with this person? What would you say to listeners about that? How do I discern this person is worthy of me taking the risk?

Tiffini [00:08:49]: I would look at the things that you failed to notice when you married your ex husband. There are red flags and there are yellow flags. And I say this a million times, women do not listen to the yellow flags. And if you came from a very traumatic marriage where there were huge things like infidelity or physical violence or emotional abuse, those are clearly red flags that you recognize. But what you don’t recognize are the yellow flags. The more subtle things. The way that you argue with him, the way that he handles conflict, the.

Dawn Wiggins [00:09:22]: Way if he’s telling if he’s being dishonest with a boss or with a friend and he’s gonna.

Tiffini [00:09:27]: The way that he treats waiters and waitresses. This was like, I would literally study the way that my dates would treat people who could do nothing for them in the moment, Were they respectful? Did they expect things back in return? That was huge for me. So I would pay attention to the very subtle yellow things. And it’s not going to be this siren feeling in your gut, like one of the big red flags. It’s going to be something that just is a little off. And what you want to do is you just want to put it to the side to consider for later. And if you start seeing a lot of those yellow things add up to where your body’s like, ooh, like, that was kind of a rude response. Or why would he ask me that question? Or it sounds like he’s being a bit controlling with that text, asking me where I am all the time.

Tiffini [00:10:09]: Those are all of the things that add up to the big things eventually. So paying attention to the subtle signs when your body is telling you that something is not right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:10:19]: Absolutely. You know, I certainly relate to, and I think I’ve heard many women over the years say, like, well, just because he did it there doesn’t mean he’ll do it with me. And I think that feeds right into our need to be special and unique. Right. If. If. No, he wouldn’t treat me like that. Maybe he, you know, he was.

Dawn Wiggins [00:10:36]: He had a bad day at work. He was super frustrated with xyz. Right. But absolutely. What we do in life, we do in life. And if I’m going to treat somebody else that way, I’m. Treat myself. I’m going to treat you that way.

Dawn Wiggins [00:10:45]: It doesn’t matter who it is. It’s. It’s coming for you eventually. I think that’s a genius feedback. Yeah. To really be keenly tuned into the yellow. Yellow stuff. I’m going to add to that.

Dawn Wiggins [00:10:58]: And some of these things might feel sort of judgy, but I think when we start to get to know someone in their story, if they’ve had significant traumas or they haven’t been to therapy, like, those are pretty significant flags to me at this point. I know too much about the power of trauma and how it affects the brain and how someone can have trauma and they can say, I’m fine, I’ve worked through that. And that’s really just the voice of dissociation talking. It’s just that trauma is dissociated, and that doesn’t mean that they’ve solved it or resolved it or gotten curious about it. And that is just not something I would want to take a risk with. So I definitely have a Policy at this point that if someone hasn’t done something to really get in touch with themselves and their feelings and their relationship responses, like just because they say that they’re over, it doesn’t mean that they are. I also think how somebody self cares are they, do they really look at the way they treat their bodies? Do they exercise? Do they, how do they eat? I think that oftentimes the way we live and take care of ourselves says a lot about our self esteem without actually saying it. And I think when we look around at like how do they keep their home? I don’t mean neurotic.

Dawn Wiggins [00:12:14]: Right. But like do they put care into their, do you get into their truck and it’s a disaster or you know, how do they take care of their own body? These things say a lot too. And I think they’re important to look at because they’re indicators of a person’s self esteem or their overall wellness. And some of the things I’m calling out, they’re things we need to be looking at about ourselves too. Right. If there are these swaths of life where we’re not taking good care of ourselves, like we’re going to attract the same back. Right. So we probably want to consider that as we’re dating.

Tiffini [00:12:45]: Yeah. And I feel like in past relationships, especially in my marriage, it was kind of this thing where I said, this is me, accept me for who I am, I’m not changing. And that was kind of the recurring theme. And so if a man used to push me to change too much or called too much attention to the unhealed parts of myself, it was a turn off and I was over him and done. And so as I started moving into a secure attachment style and my first actual healthy relationship, what I realized was that both people need to take accountability for their unhealed parts and they need to be able to do something about that. And I think that I had the completely wrong idea in my mind that when I met my person that everything was going to fall beautifully into place. But quite the opposite. It called into the spotlight the parts of myself that weren’t healed.

Tiffini [00:13:29]: And he supported me very much in pushing me in that journey. And I do the same for him. So, you know, the point of a relationship is not to be stagnant. It’s not to find this perfect person that you guys fit in every single facet. But I think that it’s about finding a person that you want to change for for the good.

Dawn Wiggins [00:13:49]: Yeah, right. I often say that that one of my. I don’t have a lot of prerequisites for, for what makes a good partner these days. But one of the top ones is certainly like willing to collaboratively problem solve when there’s wounding. Right. When there’s some sort of pain in the relationship. Like life is a hairy roller coaster ride. So you know, if you are like planning to do life with someone, you get to think about like how you’re going to handle it when you get in a car accident, when you have a miscarriage, when you lose a job, when a tornado comes through your neighborhood.

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:24]: Right. Like how do you two respond to those types of the hardest life experiences? Because it’s easy. When it’s easy. How many people got divorced because it was easy when they had kids, but then as soon as you added kids, this complicated thing. Right. They couldn’t navigate conflict or problem resolution at all with children. They couldn’t navigate their belief systems about how to raise kids or you know. And so I think you really got to think about how do we handle these toughest things in life and are we willing to come to the table and be curious and gentle with each other about this stuff that doesn’t mean not conflict.

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:55]: Conflict is wonderful. It’s a healthy part of, of a relationship. But how are we willing to navigate this conflict? And can we do it from a place of open heartedness, open mindedness and be willing to try new hard things? Right. Because we’re going to tackle things as we’re raising children and. Right. That are going to be complicated and the answers aren’t going to be straightforward or simple. And we’re going to have to be willing to try new things, get outside of our comfort zone. And so those types of flexibility.

Dawn Wiggins [00:15:20]: Right, Flexibility. Such an important element of someone you’re considering dating.

Tiffini [00:15:27]: And I think I’m surprised by a lot of the serious conversations that don’t happen prior to committing and to getting married. I think so many people get caught up in the dream of wanting to, to be males that they spend more time planning the wedding than the actual marriage part. Right. So it’s, it’s all coming back to. In order for you to recognize those things, you have to first know yourself what you want. And there are going to be deal breakers and they’re going to be things that you will be flexible on, but not knowing what those things are on a lot of those hard issues, whether it’s children or morals or anything like.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:02]: That, money, think that you’re ready to.

Tiffini [00:16:04]: Enter into dating somebody and to marry them. That’s scary.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:09]: Yeah, we got to Be willing to consider that there are major areas of life where we haven’t at least dug into those insecurities. We’re going to be attracting something very similar. And if we’re avoiding it in ourselves, then we’re definitely going to avoid having a hard conversation with the other person. Right?

Tiffini [00:16:25]: Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:26]: And that’s only going to lead to downstream disaster.

Tiffini [00:16:29]: Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:30]: Yeah. So look at the places where you might be avoiding or denying. Okay, cool. Let’s talk about dating with kids. Right. I think there were. There was a lot of really great insight from our listeners about slow and steady is probably the better way when you have kids. But how do you fully get to know someone if you’re going really slow? What are your thoughts about that, Tiffany?

Tiffini [00:16:55]: Yeah, I’m gonna shout out to my mom on this because she told me that the cardinal rule should be that you should date somebody for at least two years before you move in with them. I train wrecked that for the first part of my dating life. And so in several relationships and even in my marriage, I. I did not follow that rule, but in this one, I did. And I can honestly say that it prepared me for all of the things and all of the ways that he handled conflict and he handled difficult situations. And so I think giving yourself two years to be slow, to really watch, like, is the person, have they dealt with the death in the family? How are they dealing with that? How do they deal with work day to day? Are they coming home and they’re just explosive on the phone with you about their job? Do they seem depressed a lot? Are they looking to you to sort of be their new hobby, or do they have a life outside of you? Like, there’s all of these questions that kind of come up and you’re figuring out, like, who this person is. Right. So over those two years, you know, I’m a big proponent too, of not getting physical with somebody too soon.

Tiffini [00:17:56]: And I’m not saying that’s wrong.

Dawn Wiggins [00:17:58]: Yeah.

Tiffini [00:17:58]: But you lose your mind. And then after that point, once you get physical, you can throw everything else out the window. So taking a chance to really getting to know someone and how they react to life is such a huge part of it. I did not introduce my daughter to anyone that I was casually dating. I wanted to keep my dating life and my parenting life completely separate. It was very important to me to figure my out before I. I brought my child around, you know, these random people that were in my life. And so I think that, you know, it’s okay to not have your kids as involved with your potential partner.

Tiffini [00:18:39]: It’s okay, a six month or a one year timeline on meeting your kids because I think that it’s also important to see how your child gets along with your partner prior to moving in. But there needs to be a timeline that you give yourself to where you feel good about starting to bring kids.

Dawn Wiggins [00:18:56]: You know, what I’ve observed both in my own dating life so many years ago, but also with the women that I’ve worked with, is that when you’re introducing kids early, there’s usually a lot of codependency going on there. Right. It’s like there’s not this clear sense of identity about what’s good for me and what’s good for them. And having those two things teased apart, it’s like you may be subconsciously, it might be below your conscious level of awareness. You want your kids to approve of your choice or of them, or you just want it to feel good and easy and you don’t want to tackle some of the problems that come up from introducing kids too soon. I think that most of the time we’re moving too fast and slowing everything down is the answer. When you’re dating with kids in general, when you’re dating kids is just. It just underscores that.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:44]: Right. Slow it down. How people respond to that slower pace will tell you so much about their capacity to delay gratification. You know, one of the greatest indicators of addiction related issues is the inability to delay gratification. So I think when you slow dating down, especially with kids, it tells us, shows us, it reveals some of the things that we may or may not be addicted to, which is, you know, having something outside of me soothe what I’m struggling to work through inside of me.

Tiffini [00:20:14]: Yeah. And then it’s also being able to listen to your children too, when they’re bringing concerns to you about stuff. Because it’s not going to be roses, especially in the beginning. It’s just not. When you’re involving children and they have all these questions and all these things that are going on. And there’s so many questions too. When you start co parenting, it’s like, you know, are you the disciplinarian? What role do you want me to play with your kids? Like, there’s all these conversations that you need to have about, you know, is the other parent present? Do I have to fill a role that is too big for me? Like, what do I want in this relationship with your kids? So many people aren’t clear on that. And it really brings up issues.

Dawn Wiggins [00:20:52]: And that was One of the biggest mistakes I made post divorce is I had been diagnosed infertile, right. And so I started dating this guy who had a young daughter. And it, like, was a puzzle piece for all my woundedness around the potential of never being able to have my own kids. And that was so codependent, right. That was the two of us working our out on that poor little girl. And do I think that I was a strong role model for her? Do I think that I was a present person for her? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, like, I didn’t belong in that relationship. I learned so much from it.

Dawn Wiggins [00:21:24]: And I’m, you know, no regrets, Right. But it was predictable that it was going to end the way that it did. And so I think that’s the thing, right. I came to that relationship, I did all my patterns, and it ended poorly. And that, you know, had I predicted it that way at the beginning, would I have cut it sooner? Probably. Right. And so I think that’s the key, is the sooner you can catch it, the less shrapnel, the less collateral damage, especially with children, the better. But I think that means really having a strong recovery program for yourself.

Dawn Wiggins [00:21:54]: I don’t expect people to not make the mistakes that I made. Not at all. But sort of be honest with yourself along the way. So, Tiffany, do you think that women often. Women, especially with children, do you think they often date too soon because they’re so overwhelmed with single momming, and then they invite someone in to try to get some relief from that? And I don’t know, what are your thoughts there? Right. Like. Because single moms, I think sometimes we’re just like, they just will take any support that they could get. And maybe they don’t mean to do that, but subconsciously, it’s like, I’ll settle for something in the dating world because I need help making the dinner, you know, picking the kid up, whatever.

Dawn Wiggins [00:22:35]: Right. There’s just these things that we have not figured out how to figure out. And then here comes a man. Like a Prince Charming, it would seem, because we just so desperately want to be rescued from how heavy the world feels.

Tiffini [00:22:49]: Yeah. I think that every single mom is going to have a reason for why she’s doing it. For me, I still had to be very independent in my marriage, so the bulk of things fell on me because of his work. Anyway, so for me, it wasn’t that. But I dated really quickly after because I missed the family. I wanted the completeness of a family and to have someone there. And so I was reaching for anything that looked good, anything that looked like, I could slide the puzzle piece back in. Yeah, I think a lot of women, they, they.

Tiffini [00:23:19]: It is very overwhelming. It’s overwhelming to have to figure out how to do everything on your own. And so it easier if there was person ABC just right there along the way that we could just very easily come in and rescue you and, and play the part.

Dawn Wiggins [00:23:34]: And so then, okay, if that’s you and you’re making that choice, just know that it’s predictable that there are unresolved issues in there.

Tiffini [00:23:42]: And just know that, you know, we’re talking about being ready for dating. When you’re truly ready for dating, you are seeking a man as a companion and partner, not as a savior, not as a prince charming. So if you’re looking for someone to rescue you, you’re not ready yet.

Dawn Wiggins [00:23:59]: I don’t think I was ever ready. I’ve been saving myself a little more every year of my life. Right. Like since, since I got divorced. Because I feel like getting divorced was the moment where I was like, oh, nobody’s coming, I have to rescue myself. But then it’s been a year after year, sort of steady process of becoming more and more self supporting. And I don’t mean that in isolation. I have more support than I’ve ever had also.

Dawn Wiggins [00:24:26]: Right. But it’s like the more I support myself, the more I can let in good, healthy, functional support and yeah, the more I can really confidently know that I can meet my own emotional needs and then the people in my life are bonuses and yeah, I’m not completely dependent on any one particular person to fulfill my well being. That’s scary, right?

Tiffini [00:24:48]: Yeah. And I think that it’s also scary for a man who is mostly conditioned to be the rescuer. With most women out there. When you approach it from a place of are you okay with me just wanting you and not needing you? Because that will stir up a lot of insecurity in men as well.

Dawn Wiggins [00:25:08]: I’ve seen that happen over and over again in couples counseling. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay, let’s dig into how will I know I’m ready? How do I find the people and, and assuming I am ready? Right. How do I not abandon myself? This concept of self abandonment is so powerful in the healing journey. But how do I know I’m ready? And, and how can I go about not completely suppressing or denying my own truths in order to maintain something? And I think often, you know, that, that not abandoning self, like, gosh, it’s like maybe, maybe you really are ready. And it’s and you’re gonna attract some really great guys. But.

Dawn Wiggins [00:25:54]: But you’re still gonna have to walk that path. It’s like the fantasy of attracting the guy and not having to, to have the card conversations or not having to have it be vulnerable or scary like. No, that’s not it, actually. When you’re, you are ready to date and you start having these harder conversations, it’s like you’re still going to have to confront the tendency to self abandon and you’re still going to have to feel those uncomfortable feelings in self advocacy. But he will respond to it differently than someone from a previous chapter. Right. And that’s the healing magic right there. Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:29]: What is your, you know, some of your thoughts on how do you know when you’re ready? How do you not self abandon? Where do you find the people?

Tiffini [00:26:39]: I’m not going to be good at answering where to find the people because mine was always dating apps. That’s all I ever had time for.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:44]: And I have a great response about where to find the people. Okay.

Tiffini [00:26:47]: Okay, great. So you handle that okay. Because I met my, my healthy relationship on Bumble, so I can’t, I can’t say anything. So as far as knowing when you’re ready to date, I think when you’re feeling this pool of again, wanting to truly find a companion and a partner and not someone to just save the day, when you feel like you are in a healthier state of mind to start sifting through and let me tell you what, the higher your vibration is in your healing, the better quality men you’re going to attract. And what I started to notice is that I was attracting good quality men at times, but they were making it very clear that I was not ready for what they were asking for. So a lot of times these higher quality people will identify to you or be able to tell you look, like I still don’t feel like you’re ready, there’s still something in you that is not healed.

Dawn Wiggins [00:27:38]: Yeah. Let’s talk about a nuance around there, Right. Because in our group coaching program, we’ve been talking a lot about parts work lately. Right. And we haven’t done a lot of episodes on parts work. But when there’s dissociation or traumatized parts inside of self, one part may be feeling more confident to attract somebody, but there may be still a wounded part of self. Right. That is not fully integrated, is not done enough clearing that it depends on which vibration is dominant on the day.

Dawn Wiggins [00:28:08]:& So you may attract some more solid people in a day where you’re feeling more solid. But then in a day where you’ve been triggered or you’re in that wounded looping, maybe you’re attracting less healthy people. So, yes, very often we have split energy inside of ourselves, and it depends on how well we’re working towards bridging those sort of internal conflicts. Right. That we can sort of consistently manage something.

Tiffini [00:28:35]: And I think for me, because I had massive trust issues, what I would start to see is my dating relationships all started out the same. Everything was roses. It was great. It was vibrant. And then all of a sudden, there was a turning point where something would happen that would trigger me tremendously because I had not worked on myself in the way I needed to, and it would result in them saying, you’re not ready. This is not something that you’re ready to deal with yet. And I. I know that a lot of it was codependency and my attachment style and the way that I was anxious and avoidant and all of the things.

Tiffini [00:29:08]: So for me, I think that knowing when I was ready, too, is when I was the one doing the choosing. And when you’re not used to that and you have to tell someone, even a really nice guy, hey, like, I had a really great time tonight, but you’re just not it. You’re just not the one. And then hear that backlash from them. Because some guys were jer. Let’s be honest. Like, I got some pretty rude text messages back sometimes when I’m like, hey, you were great. Tonight was great.

Tiffini [00:29:33]: But I was just not. This isn’t it what I’m looking for. Right? And I think women have a hard time doing that. We feel like we have to latch on to anybody that looks at us and seems semi normal. And that’s not. That’s not it. It’s not it.

Dawn Wiggins [00:29:47]: Yeah, that’s beautiful. Okay, let’s talk about how to find the people. Right? So I want. I want you to notice when we talk about where do I find good guys? I want you to notice what this is for the listeners. Comes up inside of you. So, like Tiffany, earlier on in your dating thing, right, If. If I had said to you, where do you find good guys? What would have bubbled up inside of you would have been like, there are no good guys. The good guys are all taking.

Dawn Wiggins [00:30:16]: Or would it have been, like, scarcity stuff like. Or would it be like, well, the good guys don’t choose me. Like, whatever energy we have that bubbles up inside about where to find the people, the doubt, the lack of faith, the lack of belief in Oneself, that’s what’s actually blocking from finding the good people. It’s not actually whether or not you’re using the app or you’re going out in the world. Right. It’s the energy. What would your energy have been early on? While I think about what my energy.

Tiffini [00:30:46]: Would have been earlier, I was not confident that there were any good men out there or if I was, it was the fact that I was not in a place to obtain them, that I did not have what it took. I did not have the confidence. I was not in a great place for these men to even look at me twice. So it was a lot of self esteem issues that I wrestled with in the beginning of like, I see them out there, I see this professional men that have great jobs and you know, they’re very sweet and they treat women nicely. Part of the reason was, and this is going to sound crazy, but part of it was, am I good enough for them? And the second part is, am I going to get bored with them? Does normalcy bore me? Does the good guy bore me?

Dawn Wiggins [00:31:33]: Yeah. So I resonate with a lot of that. I definitely doubted in the, in the first year or two after divorce or like around divorce in the year after, I definitely doubted that true love actually existed or like, yeah, like unconditional love or like a love that could have a type of fidelity to it. I definitely doubted whether or not it existed. And I would sort of ask everybody who was willing to have the conversation with me if they knew anyone who had like a lasting relationship or this type of true commitment. So I definitely think that when I would have thought of like, how do I find people to date in this space? It would have come with a huge serving of cynicism and probably resentment and victim consciousness around it. And so then the people that I would have attracted would have been mirrors of that for me. Right? So they would not have been the types of guys.

Dawn Wiggins [00:32:30]: And then it would have been easy to tell myself like, oh, they just don’t exist. And I will tell you, my now husband was one of those boring guys, right? He was the guy who was always steady in my life and that was not something I could tolerate. And so I think that when you’re asking yourself, how do I find people, I want you to first take a look at what do you feel? What’s the vibration inside of you when you think of it? Because that’s the thing that needs a little massaging.

Tiffini [00:32:57]: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Dawn Wiggins [00:32:59]: Let’s talk about what does self abandonment look like? Like, if we could slow A moment in time. Down and catch ourselves abandoning self. If we could play it on slow mo, what would it look like? What would it feel like? How would I know that it’s happening? We’ve actually been talking about this a lot in our team, right? In just on the My Coach dawn team and the Dear Divorce Diary team. Like, how to not do that in team. Super interesting. How do we slow that down and recognize it when it’s happening?

Tiffini [00:33:32]: It’s those subtle, again, yellow flags, the tiny little pools of yourself that think, was that text message meant to check on me or was that being a little bit controlling in that moment? And the crazy part is, I think that, you know, inside of your body, but we have become so used to not listening and hitting the snooze button on all of those alarms that are going off in our body that we don’t recognize it anymore or we don’t trust ourselves enough to say this is a true concern. You know, look, let’s take football for an example. Guy tells you he loves football, it’s his favorite thing in the world, and you hate it. You know? Yeah, let’s. Let’s talk about the fact that, hey, maybe we might have to be a little bit giving in some areas, right? But let’s not go in and buy 50 jerseys and act like we’re the biggest fan in the world. It’s almost like there has to be a little bit of give and take in a relationship. But when you feel like you are starting to move away from the future that you envisioned with this person, if he tells you, hey, I want five children and you know, in your heart of hearts you want none, that’s a no. So but you also have to know it too, right?

Dawn Wiggins [00:34:42]: Yeah.

Tiffini [00:34:43]: ight.

Dawn Wiggins [00:34:43]: So I think so often it’s around the suppression of expression, emotional expression, gut instinct suppression. Right. Like self abandonment happens the moment we have a strong body awareness that something’s off and we don’t express it it. And that doesn’t mean weaponize it. Right. And it doesn’t even mean I have to express it to, you know, Joe Schmo. It’s like maybe I need to express it to my therapist, or maybe I need to express it to my best friend, or maybe I just need to sit with it and feel it and express it and acknowledge it to myself and then get curious about what need is not being attended to. Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:35:15]: But it’s anytime I’m avoiding acknowledging what my body is telling me. And so that opens a whole nother can of worms. If you’re not good at if you can’t. Right. If you’re like, I don’t know, my body is telling me dawn, but I think that we don’t slow down enough to really hear. Right, that gut instinct, or there’s resistance, or noticing that I’m leaning out about something, or noticing my tone of voice, or noticing that I just don’t even want to tell the people in my life about this thing. I would just rather pretend it doesn’t exist. And then, yes, all of that is self abandonment.

Tiffini [00:35:46]: And I think that the more that you date and get out there, the better you will get at this. So instead of wasting a year on somebody, next time, maybe you’ll only waste six months next time, maybe you’ll only waste three months. Maybe you’ll recognize in the first date that this person is not a fit. It’s about getting better at staying true to who you are and what you want and not allowing someone to lead you down a path that you just know is not meant for your life. I mean, I will never forget I was on a dating site. I was on eharmony, for God’s sake. And that’s expensive. And I, I.

Tiffini [00:36:18]: There was this guy, and he was a local lawyer, and, you know, very good guy, like, whatever. But he told me in a conversation that he had political aspirations. And I thought, oh, my God, that is my worst nightmare, to be in a political spotlight, to have all of the skeletons just. And I just told him, I said, if you have political aspirations, I am not the woman for you. I’m just not. And I knew it in my gut, but I was afraid to say it, you know, so it took a couple weeks till I could actually get it out. But again, you know, it. Think about when you met your ex husband, all of the yellow and subtle red flags.

Tiffini [00:36:55]: When I have coached divorce women, they have all told me the same thing that they recognized before the marriage that this may not have been the person for them.

Dawn Wiggins [00:37:03]: Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. What are some of the tools we use over here on the podcast and in our coaching program that you wish you had to use while you were dating back then? Like, what are some, like, your favorite things that we use now that you can just see making a difference for people that you wish you could have used then?

Tiffini [00:37:22]: Honestly, I think that the breath work, a lot of, like, the inner child stuff, the ifs, therapy parts, recognizing when I’m being triggered, recognizing when I can trust myself. But for me, the tools that have done the most for me that I would have appreciated back then would have been a lot of the. The breath work and the emdr, the things that are really processing the heavy stuff. And I was different in the fact that I didn’t really work on my healing until I was in my first normal relationship. And then that started calling out all of the things that I hadn’t healed about myself. And so then that’s when I started emdr. I wish I would have started my healing immediately post divorce. I wish I would have reached out and had the community, had the support, the people, the professionals to help me.

Tiffini [00:38:13]: I just disassociated for 10 years and thought that I was magically healed because I had created this beautiful bubble for myself to live in. And that was not healing. It was protecting myself from the world because I was not ready to face all of the things. Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:38:29]: Okay, Coach Tiffany, where can our listeners get more of you? Right?

Tiffini [00:38:36]: Like you are.

Dawn Wiggins [00:38:37]: You are the lead coach for all of our programs. And you know, where can women who are listening who maybe haven’t hopped into our space yet and gotten to like, shoot you a DM inside of the heartbeat chat? Like, what would you tell them to do next?

Tiffini [00:38:51]: Absolutely. So I would love to hear from you. You can shoot me an email at Coach Tiffany. It’s T I F F I n I coach dawn.com please feel free to reach out to me. Email me if anything that we said today resonated with you. If you need support, if you just need somebody to listen and understand in a non judgmental space, I would absolutely love to connect with you.

Dawn Wiggins [00:39:13]: This type of episode is so fun for us, right, to have listener questions and then for us to have a conversation about just what the wisdom of experience has taught us over the years. So if you have other podcast ideas that you wish we would talk about, shoot Coach Tiffany an email, Shoot me a dm, send a carrier pigeon, smoke signals, you name it. We love unpacking your inquiries. So, so good. All right, have a beautiful day. Peace.