Why You Can’t Stop Overthinking After a Breakup (And What Actually Helps)

5 Key Takeaways

1. Overthinking is a job your nervous system took on, not a flaw. When life felt unstable or unsafe, your mind stepped in to try to control what it could — by predicting, analyzing, and preparing for worst-case scenarios.
2. Suppressed anxiety doesn’t disappear — it resurfaces. Trying to out-think or push down anxious thoughts often causes them to build quietly beneath the surface, showing up later as panic attacks or feeling overwhelmed at inconvenient moments.
3. Trust isn’t about things working out the way you planned. It’s the belief that you can be okay even if they don’t. Shifting from “I need this to go a certain way” to “I can handle whatever happens” is what actually loosens the grip of overthinking.
4. You can’t let go of control without a softer place to land. Healing isn’t just changing your mindset — it requires real community and connection, because your body needs proof that support exists before it will stop bracing for impact.
5. Small, consistent boundaries calm the mind more than big willpower moments do. Simple shifts — like limiting your phone use in the evening or noticing which relationships leave you feeling depleted — can retrain the nervous system over time far more effectively than trying to “think positive” in the moment.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I constantly overthink my past relationship?

You’re likely overthinking after a breakup because your nervous system is still trying to make sense of what happened — and, more specifically, trying to prevent it from happening again. As Divorce Coach Dawn Wiggins explains in this episode, this pattern often develops in relationships where trust was repeatedly broken or where you didn’t trust others. Your mind isn’t malfunctioning or broken; it’s doing the job it learned to do to keep you safe. The replaying of scenarios and the “what could I have done differently” loop are attempts to control a situation. Recognizing this as a protective response, rather than a personal failing, is often the first step toward healing.

What are effective strategies to stop obsessive thoughts after a relationship ends?

Effective strategies to stop overthinking after a breakup aren’t about thinking harder or finding the “right” mental trick — they’re about lowering your nervous system’s overall sense of threat. A few approaches include:

• Build small boundaries with technology and people. Schedule your phone to shut off apps by 5 p.m. to cut nighttime scrolling and reduce mental noise.
• Ground your body before you try to reason with your mind. Prioritize protein before caffeine or check how settled you feel before making decisions; this can reduce the anxious fuel behind obsessive thinking.
• Move your body, especially by walking. Bilateral movement (like walking) can give you clarity about situations, similar to the mechanism behind EMDR therapy.
• Reconnect with people who feel safe, rather than isolating. Obsessive thinking tends to intensify in isolation; break an overthinking spiral with a positive action, such as driving to spend time with supportive family instead of staying home alone.
• Address the environment, not just the thoughts. Surrounding yourself with people who aren’t emotionally mature or trustworthy reinforces the underlying belief that you have to stay hyper-alert. Evaluating your relationships matters as much as managing your thoughts.

How do I stop overthinking after a breakup?

To stop overthinking after a breakup, you first have to recognize that you can’t logically think your way out of it because overthinking was never really about finding the right answer. It’s about your nervous system searching for safety. You can start your healing journey by:

1. Noticing when you’re bracing or scanning for problems
2. Consciously choosing behaviors that build a genuine felt sense of safety, such as rest, boundaries, and a supportive community
3. Practicing trust in small doses, so your system can build evidence that it’s safe to let go, rather than expecting yourself to “just stop” all at once.

Will I ever get over my ex?

Yes, you will get over your ex. But healing is not linear. It isn’t about erasing the past relationship from memory; it’s about no longer needing it to explain who you are or what you deserve. Rather than “getting over” someone, the conversation centers on releasing the bitterness and fear attached to the relationship — while allowing yourself to actually be alone with yourself, rather than rushing to fill the void. One listener’s story shared in the episode illustrates this shift well: after her ex moved into a new relationship quickly, she recognized that his rapid rebound reflected his own fear of being alone, not genuine happiness — and she found relief in trusting that she didn’t need to settle for someone else just to avoid being alone herself.

What is the hardest stage of a breakup?

One of the hardest stages of a breakup is the time period before you see any results from the emotional work you’re doing. Coach Dawn Wiggins compares it to early stages of a lifestyle change — you shift your habits and mindset, but relief doesn’t arrive right away, and that gap between effort and payoff is where many people are tempted to quit or fall back into old coping patterns (like overthinking or control). The early adjustment to quiet or stillness is hard because a nervous system used to crisis can actually interpret peace as unfamiliar or even threatening, which makes it harder to feel calm.

Highlights

• 00:00 “Letting Go Through Safety”
• 04:25 “Face Shaving Influencer Obsession”
• 09:36 “Choosing Partners and Friendships”
• 11:28 Finding Peace After Chaos
• 15:04 “Overcoming Fear to Embrace Change”
• 17:18 “Algorithm Manipulates Your Emotions
• 21:50 “Authentic Expression is Everything”
• 24:09 “Turning 40 and Finding Authenticity”
• 27:21 “Finding Clarity Through Conflict”
• 31:48 “Embracing Self and Letting Go”
• 33:22 “Join Cocoon: A Safe Space”

Full Transcript

Dawn Wiggins [00:00:01]:

Most women we work with aren’t controlling or hypervigilant because they want power or control. They’re controlling because their nervous systems don’t believe that anyone is coming to help. Hi, love. Welcome to Dear Divorced Diary, the podcast helping divorcees Go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave, and build back your confidence. I’m your host, Dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer, and divorce. Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce. In today’s episode, we are talking about the difficulty trusting in a post divorce situation and what that has to do with all the ways that you overthink and try to control situations in order to get through. In the first part of the episode today we are going to talk about how control is not a personality flaw.

Dawn Wiggins [00:01:08]:

It’s a job your body took on when things became unstable. So hyper vigilance is a behavior we do when your nervous system decides you’re the only adult in the room. And of course it causes exhaustion and it’s something that needs to be relaxed down. But what most women miss is that control doesn’t actually calm anxiety. It quietly fuels the fire beneath the surface where you’ve suppressed it, where it’s lurking and growing stronger. And what happens is it comes out down the road at very inconvenient times as a panic attack or many panic attacks. So we’re going to talk about that in the first part of the episode. Then later on down the road, we are going to talk about how we need to be responding differently to hyper vigilance, overthinking, a need for control, and a difficulty trusting, because what your system is actually calling for is a felt sense of safety.

Dawn Wiggins [00:02:01]:

So we’re gonna talk about all the juicy ways that we are actually fueling the cycle of the need for hypervigilance and control. Because trust and letting go of control isn’t about needing things to work out in a particular way that you had envisioned or that you wanted. It’s trust is the capacity to believe that you can thrive even if they don’t go that way. And so we have to shift into this needing less control by increasing safety. And so if you notice that it’s really, really hard for you to let go of, like anything, any amounts of control or to just sort of trust fall in any way, then I need you to really think about that. In order to let go of things, you need a new, softer place to land. The system has to perceive your body, mind has to perceive that there is A safe place for it to land if things go haywire. This is why healing and community is so, so pivotal.

Dawn Wiggins [00:02:58]:

So we’re going to talk about all that. Did I say pivotable? There you go. And then at the end of the episode, we are going to do our new segment, small wins, Big shifts, where three of our listeners submitted wins that they have been having through this holiday season, actually. And there are three moments of relief, clarity, and softness that did not exist before. So come hear what happens when you stop managing your healing and start experiencing it. Let’s dig in. Darling dears, good morning. Welcome to 2026.

Dawn Wiggins [00:03:31]:

Actually, last week’s episode was our first week, but this shows you the delay of recording versus releasing.

Coach Tiffini [00:03:37]:

Yeah, yeah, a little bit. So I have to tell you guys something funny. So, you know, we’re. We’re getting ready to prep and potentially, you know, go live on YouTube and all of that. And so I did something this weekend that has resulted in something on my face. So I’m sure if you guys look super, super close. I was shaving my face this weekend and I freaking cut myself.

Dawn Wiggins [00:03:59]:

What?

Producer Joy [00:04:00]:

Yes.

Coach Tiffini [00:04:01]:

Have you always been a shaving girly.

Dawn Wiggins [00:04:03]:

Or is that new?

Coach Tiffini [00:04:04]:

No, because my mother always scared the hell out of me and told me that if I shave my face, I would grow a great big beard and it would grow in black and thick, which, by the way, is a freaking lie.

Dawn Wiggins [00:04:12]:

Yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:04:13]:

But I love shaving my face. It’s a great exfoliator. But this weekend I slipped up and didn’t realize it until I was at brunch yesterday.

Dawn Wiggins [00:04:20]:

Oh, no.

Coach Tiffini [00:04:20]:

And he was like, honey, I think you cut your face. I was like.

Dawn Wiggins [00:04:25]:

So I follow this woman on Instagram. Her name is Jordan Harper mp, and she is like a hardcore face shaving enthusiast. She has a whole. She’s an influencer. Right. So she’s got like whole product line she shares involved, like between. There’s like this spray that she sprays on that makes the micro hairs white or whatever, and then all of these razors, and I’m just like, I don’t have time for this amount of beauty trend. Like, there’s so much of life that I just want to live.

Dawn Wiggins [00:04:51]:

But, like, okay, if you’re here for it, I’m here for you.

Coach Tiffini [00:04:54]:

Yeah. No, like, cut to the chase. Basically, there is never anything better than a men’s razor and men’s shaving cream. So that’s what I use. And done. I do it once a week, and that’s done.

Dawn Wiggins [00:05:07]:

When I was younger, probably in my 20s. So it’s probably still first married. My mom definitely made a comment about hair on my face, which was very distressing to me, but whatevs. Yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:05:21]:

Can I. I’m gonna really. I know we’re on a Tuesday episode.

Dawn Wiggins [00:05:24]:

Yeah, yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:05:25]:

So I apologize for this, but the first time that I was shaving my Nether region at 14 or 15 years old, my mother gave me an electric shaver to do that.

Dawn Wiggins [00:05:36]:

Oh, my go. I mean, you know.

Coach Tiffini [00:05:39]:

Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:05:40]:

Yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:05:41]:

Anyway. Okay, that was enough.

Producer Joy [00:05:45]:

She was looking for a different reaction.

Coach Tiffini [00:05:47]:

No, it was terrible because I wanted an actual thing, but she didn’t trust me with it. She’s like, you’re gonna catch yourself.

Dawn Wiggins [00:05:53]:

Well, that’s the thing, right? Like, yeah. Control, risk.

Coach Tiffini [00:05:58]:

And my friends have scared me so much with the thought of a Brazilian that I’m so not willing to do that. Like, I am scared with all the horror stories I’ve heard.

Dawn Wiggins [00:06:06]:

Not worth it. I’ve got a light bulb out in my room. Squirrel. Can I tell you, we play a lot of Mario Party over here, my husband and daughter and I. And there’s three players, and then the fourth is a cpu, and we gang up on that cpu, and we take our coins, and we take it. Whether. I don’t know, it could be like, whatever. We take their coins, we take their stars.

Dawn Wiggins [00:06:27]:

We take all this. And I often think while we’re playing it, like, this is what we do to women. We expect them to get Brazilians and shave their faces and wear high heels and blow out their hair. This is what we do to women. We just expect women to, like, do all this crazy crap in addition to, like, raising children, having jobs, getting divorced. Like, what the actual f. I don’t know. Anyways, yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:06:46]:

All right.

Producer Joy [00:06:46]:

Let’s talk my soapbox now.

Dawn Wiggins [00:06:49]:

Yeah, Right. Let’s back on track, ladies. Let’s talk about control as a way to, like, cope with an inability to trust. Like, welcome to the story of my life. Pre healing.

Coach Tiffini [00:07:08]:

Yeah, me too. I see so much of myself in this. And when you said that hypervigilance is the feeling that you’re the only adult in the room, I was like, oh, my God. Because my two biggest managers, from an IFS perspective, are the controller and the hyper vigilant. And that is why. And I think it’s because I felt for so long that I was the only adult in the room. And so in many of my relationships over the years. And so for me, my hyper vigilance came from a sense of trying to prevent pain or embarrassment.

Coach Tiffini [00:07:42]:

That’s what I’M realizing, right? Like, I did not want to see my partner. Like, I didn’t want to miss him give a look to somebody across the room. Like I didn’t want to miss a flirtatious thing of him putting his hand on someone’s back. Like, you know what I mean? So I spend a lot of times in my relationship scanning the room. So extremely anxiety inducing.

Dawn Wiggins [00:08:03]:

Yeah. And then here’s the thing, right? When you are in relationship, whether it’s romantic or friendships or work or family or you name it, when you’re in relationship with people who aren’t in integrity or who aren’t functioning as adults, it just reinforces all of that underlying noise, right? Like I can’t let go of hypervigilance. And I think that’s the transition. That’s what we’re trying to transition, transition out of as a result of divorce, right? Is we’re trying to let go of relationships where they’re not in integrity or they’re not mature.

Producer Joy [00:08:36]:

Right?

Dawn Wiggins [00:08:38]:

But maybe we haven’t built new communities of people who are in integrity or who are more emotionally mature and we still see threat everywhere, right? Our systems are still programmed to see threat everywhere, even if maybe that isn’t the case Sometimes I think that’s a very difficult part of healing, is to discern discernment, right. Is this danger? Or is my nervous system reading it as danger? But yeah, I think, you know, I. I think there are a lot of people in the world who are not emotionally adults. I know I was one of them probably up until about 10 years ago. I was not probably even less than that in certain ways. Right. And so it’s very true that our parts are going to perceive a lack of responsibility or maturity and feel a sense of instability and then try to compensate. Right?

Coach Tiffini [00:09:36]:

But I think that also when you pick a partner from a very low vibe state, and I tell my clients this all the time, the chances are you’ve probably also picked friends from that same low vibe state. And so I can even remember in high school, like I had the type of friends that like, if you didn’t hold on to your man, and not all of them, but like, they were the type that would, you know, when you break up, they’d be the ones dating him next week or like hooking up with him in college or like some shit like that. And I was like, I really ought to take a hard look at, like, is my environment causing me to feel unsafe because of the people I’m surrounding myself with and the fact that I cannot Trust the people I’m with. And that was, like, a huge environment.

Dawn Wiggins [00:10:15]:

Right. Like, what are we a vibrational match for? Yeah. So it’s like, correct. Yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:10:20]:

Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:10:22]:

So. And I think this is something that’s very hard for women in the thick of it to wrap their head around. Like, how do I. How do I get to a higher vibe? How do I attract something? Higher vibe? Is it true that I’m attracting all of this? Is it true that this is emanating for me? How do I get to a higher vibe when I’m just in the thick of it? Right. And that, I think, is this the part that’s so hard in the early phases of healing? And it’s why our program is a year long, because this is not an overnight fix.

Producer Joy [00:10:54]:

It’s.

Here’s the transcript with the requested tag replacements:

Dawn Wiggins [00:10:55]:

It’s really a process to, like, be able to surrender enough to trust a little bit, to receive relief or a benefit or some healing, and then to let that build on it. You know, like when you’re trying to do weight loss or whatever, and you change your diet and you exercise and, like, the. It sometimes feels like takes forever to get a result, but then the minute you get that result, and that’s intoxicating, and then you could sort of build on that, but it’s like that moment before you see results, it is so freaking hard to keep going.

Coach Tiffini [00:11:28]:

And I think for a lot of women, if you grew up like this, where you always had to be hypervigilant, always the adult in the room, there was alcohol issues, abuse issues, like, a lot of fighting or turmoil or whatever, you think that this is just how life is, and you think that this is just how you are, and this is how it always has to be. And when I tell you the fact that we can have a barbecue and there can be 30 or 40 people at my home, and I am not feeling the need to constantly be watching everyone to see what’s happening. Like, I never knew that I could experience that kind of peace where I could just relax, come correct, and I could trust the entourage that I had around me. That is like, a crazy feeling that I never thought I would get to in my life. And it took me until I was freaking late 30s to get there. You know.

Dawn Wiggins [00:12:21]:

I heard Joy talk about that a lot lately, too. That’s just feeling so much less vigilant in social settings. Right.

Producer Joy [00:12:29]:

But a lot of it was, yes, healing and doing the hard work. But then you also, like you said just a few minutes ago about, it’s also reprogramming. Like, you have some of it’s habit. Like, it’s habit to scan the room. It’s habit to know where everything is at all times. And so you have to make the choice of allowing your nervous system to. To relax.

Dawn Wiggins [00:12:58]:

Yeah. Anytime. Yeah, anytime any of us or anyone we’ve ever worked with. Right. Starts to create bigger gaps of peace or quiet. Right. The nervous system and the mind together, they want to say, like, oh, no, no, no, we’re supposed to be busy. Or oh, no, no, no, we’re supposed to be stressed.

Dawn Wiggins [00:13:14]:

Right. It’s a conscious choice. Yeah, it’s so, so interesting. Yeah. Like, space, quiet, peace feels threatening. It’s fascinating. Yeah. Because threat has.

Dawn Wiggins [00:13:25]:

Yeah, yeah.

Producer Joy [00:13:27]:

So you really do have to reevaluate. Am I actually in danger or am I so used to danger that I’m looking for when there is no danger? Like the friends you chose. And Tiffany, something you said earlier about how your friends, when you attract, you know, you track from a low vibr vibe state. Don told me in the. The very, very beginning of my healing journey that my friends were going to change. And I was like, they are not. They are. My rider dies.

Producer Joy [00:13:58]:

They are going to. And it’s so interesting. As I started to heal and come out of the murk and the. The. I. I really think of it as like smog, right? Like where everything’s foggy and everything’s thick and everything’s hard. And you start really starting to come out of that how your friends actually shift because they either grow with you and do the work with you, or they don’t. And it’s.

Producer Joy [00:14:22]:

You want them to, of course, because you. They. You do love them. But there comes a point where everybody comes to a crossroads and you either dig in and do the work or you don’t. And then your friends start shifting, you know, like they really do, and you start. You start attracting people that come to the table versus people that. It’s always your fault. You know what I mean? So I’m.

Producer Joy [00:14:53]:

1. I just wanted to say it really, it’s. It’s crazy.

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:59]:

Total rebrand healing is a total start. Yeah.

Producer Joy [00:15:03]:

Yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:15:04]:

And that’s why I think a lot of women are scared of it or hesitant of it, right. To come in, to step into this space because it’s like you don’t know what your life is going to look like on the other side. We can all sit here and assure you that it’s going to be effing fabulous, but you don’t know that at the time, and you are going to have to let go of a lot of things. And people sometimes family. Right. Like, I’ve had to reevaluate some of my family relationships in this if they’re not healthy for me. And so it’s kind of just like. But I, I cannot tell you what it feels like to sit in a room with people who you know are for you and not against you.

Coach Tiffini [00:15:39]:

Like, oh my God, like, it is incredible to have just a room full of cheerleaders and like good people that show up for you.

Dawn Wiggins [00:15:46]:

Yeah. Trust and rest, they go together. Right. So if you’re exhausted, you probably can’t trust. And that is a big project that we would love to help you tackle. Let’s talk a little bit about. Let’s talk a little bit about how control is a symptom that you need more protection and safety. Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:03]:

Because so much of being in this moment in time is like the grief of what you thought you were going to have. Right. And it’s like, you know, feeling like you can’t trust anything. And even your ex, this person that maybe you had children with or you build. Built a home with or you built a vision for the future with. Right. Um, and so because you have been betrayed or blindsided or, you know, let down so many times, maybe your soon to be ex or ex is like a very under functioning kind of man. Because I think that’s like a epidemic in this country.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:39]:

And so we’re asking you to actually create a new world for yourself where you can increase your felt sense of safety.

Producer Joy [00:16:52]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:52]:

Where you can consciously choose to do behaviors all day long that improve your sense of safety in the world. Now that is not what you are currently programmed to do. Right. If you think about the beauty ads we are inundated with, they tell you. Did y’ all know this? I’m slightly squirreling. Slightly, slightly, slightly squirrel adjacent. Do you know that? Instagram, for instance. But I’m sure all of the social media sites use this.

Dawn Wiggins [00:17:18]:

There is an algorithm that dictates the order in which your posts show up in your feed. So first it’s. I forget the order of it, but first it’s like, it’s like a, A sick animal story or some. Something to make you evoke a sense of pity or like compassion. And then it’s like something about war and then it’s something about like local violence or something like that. And then it’s an ad. Like it’s like the order of the posts in your algorithm are designed to make you buy something and it’s probably by something that you don’t need, but you’re convinced that there’s something wrong with you, so you need it. So it could be a supplement or a beauty product or something.

Dawn Wiggins [00:17:57]:

But it’s. The order of posts is designed to make you feel not trusting, not safe and not secure inside of yourself or your body or your life, your world. Right. Like literally the way we relate to ourselves as being not attractive enough, not this enough, not that enough. The way that we engage with social media all day long and it is literally targeted to make us feel less safe so that we will buy things. The way that we scan the environment. Right. And we’ve programmed our reticular activating systems to see threat.

Dawn Wiggins [00:18:28]:

So let’s talk about how do you start dismantling that and how do you start creating a felt sense of safety, even if that means down to no coffee before protein? Because if you add a stimulant before grounding right. When you’re in a depleted state. Right. There are days that I drink coffee before protein. There are days that I drink coffee before protein. But I’m first looking at how grounded or how well am I in my felt sense this morning before I make that choice. Right. So I don’t know, what are yalls thoughts about defense?

Coach Tiffini [00:19:04]:

It’s my favorite word on the face of the planet. It’s boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries. So I told Donna Joy this, but I’m sharing with the world. So last week I went ahead and put my phone on focus time. Okay. Like I literally gave myself screen time.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:17]:

Hot to shot about this. Yeah.

Producer Joy [00:19:19]:

Yes.

Coach Tiffini [00:19:19]:

And so at 5pm all of my apps shut off until 7am the next morning. And so what I noticed was in the first week, my phone usage was down 45%, which was a bit like cringy for me. Cause I looked at that, I was like, oh shit. Like I’m just mindlessly scrolling at night. Yes. There’s also this, this thing on your phone that you can look at that tells you how many times you’ve picked up your phone to look at it that day. That is also disgusting.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:45]:

I don’t know if I can handle that. Yeah. Yes.

Coach Tiffini [00:19:48]:

So my point is small boundaries. Right. Setting boundaries with an ex that we’re only going to talk about the kids. You know, setting boundaries with friends. Like my thing is stop surrounding yourself with people who don’t feel good energetically. Like that cringe factor that whatever. Like start putting down a boundary. I’m not saying cut a bunch of people out of your life overnight, but I’m saying really start to be aware of how people show up for you and how you feel around other people.

Coach Tiffini [00:20:19]:

Super important.

Producer Joy [00:20:20]:

It’s not selfish to protect your energy. It’s not selfish. That’s something that I really had to work on. It’s like, I felt like I would be selfish or that my people pleaser. My people pleaser part, right? Like, it’s not selfish for you to take care of you. Like, even the airplane tells you to put your oxygen mask on first. Like, this is like.

Dawn Wiggins [00:20:44]:

Yeah, yeah.

Producer Joy [00:20:45]:

So, yeah, it’s.

Dawn Wiggins [00:20:47]:

It’s really like to be in alignment. Did y’ all know that the highest vibration that you can vibe. That you can vibe. That you can vibe. So to every listener out there right now, the highest vibration you can vibe is authenticity. I love that word, authenticity. We could say that it’s like joy, or of course it’s joy. Or like, you know, actually education, like, learning is a very, very, very high vibe.

Dawn Wiggins [00:21:15]:

There are many, like, in our emotional guidance skill that we use, right? There are. There are, like, several high vibe words or, you know, feelings, but authenticity. So, like, being the fullest expression of who I am. And that’s not, I think, too often. Let me say something very, very important here. Too often people associate a lot of their illness. There might be a better way to say that. So maybe y’ all can say it better than me, but they associate their illness with their who ness, right? They say my anxiety, my depression, my trauma, my anxious attachment style, right? None of those things are who you are, friend.

Dawn Wiggins [00:21:50]:

Those are vibrations that have gotten caught in your field over the years based on, you know, inherited energy from previous generations or from your lived experience. Those are not who you are. Those are frequencies, vectors you have picked up along the way that are not of you. They are in you. Get that crap out of you. So I’m not talking about things that are in you. I’m talking about what is of you, the design of you. The magic that you were sent here on this timeline to do, to create, to connect, to love to the particular ways you see the world and move through the world that are your particular forms of magic, that authentic expression is the highest vibration you can embody.

Dawn Wiggins [00:22:34]:

And so when we suppress that by depleting ourselves, exhausting ourselves, trying to help everybody else reach their high vibe state but neglecting ourselves, you’re actually depriving yourself, the world, your children, your neighbors, your like, from your gifts, right? So it’s actually the most selfless thing for you to step into wellness and to let go of the things that got in you so that you could focus on what is of you and separate that shit out. Yeah. To be in that high vibe, state of authenticity, your pure magic. And I think a lot of times when we’re early on in healing, all we hear is like the noise of the darkness, the things that got in us. Yeah, yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:23:14]:

I remember, you know, when I was 19 and I got my first diagnosis, like I wore it like a badge of honor, you know what I mean? Like, it became my entire identity. It became a lot of excuses. I took on a lot of victim mentality, oh, I can’t do this or that’s why I’m not creating a relationship.

Dawn Wiggins [00:23:29]:

Validated like all the crap my parents did to me.

Producer Joy [00:23:32]:

Right, right.

Coach Tiffini [00:23:32]:

Yeah, right. So, like, which, yeah, there’s that too. But then also, like even using my daughter for an example, like, you know, pre homeopathy, she had a diagnosis. Post homeopathy she had a completely different one, a very lighter one. And now if she would be tested now by a psych, she probably wouldn’t have much of anything in there. So it’s kind of just like, that’s great that you have it. But I love to tell people I feel like these diagnosis or conditions are just a stopping place on your map. Like it’s literally just a stopover until you get to the next thing, until you get clear enough to sort of overcome and be able to work on your healing enough.

Coach Tiffini [00:24:09]:

But it’s like, especially, I don’t know what it was about turning 40 for me. And I think a lot of women agree that we work with that are approaching 40 or past 40 your 0f start to take over and things that don’t feel authentic to you anymore start feeling very wrong. And I remember it was like this sense of unrest and angst. I felt like I had teenage angst back, if that made sense. Like I was just so angsty and I couldn’t understand why. And then I realized, like, I was in the wrong field at work, you know, I was surrounding myself with the wrong friends. Like I had nothing to lift me up and support me. Everything around me felt depleting.

Dawn Wiggins [00:24:48]:

Angst of misalignment. I see.

Producer Joy [00:24:50]:

Yes. Yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:24:50]:

Yes.

Dawn Wiggins [00:24:51]:

Yeah.

Producer Joy [00:24:51]:

That needs to be a pillow.

Dawn Wiggins [00:24:53]:

The angst of misalignment.

Coach Tiffini [00:24:56]:

I have 40 year old angst.

Dawn Wiggins [00:24:58]:

Yeah. Wow.

Coach Tiffini [00:25:00]:

Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:25:02]:

Wow. The angst of misalignment. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah. So, yeah. And so it is big and hard and scary to do this work of, like, how can I create a soft place to land? This is why, like, I know that this is the case for all of us. Right. We can’t.

Dawn Wiggins [00:25:20]:

None of us can say enough about healing and community, because you can’t just let go of old habits without having a new way to immerse yourself in and, you know, the ability to be witnessed, to be understood, to feel seen, to feel supported. And so when we invite women into community. Right. Whether it’s into our programs or just into our community, it’s because we know the power of feeling seen, witness, supported, feeling like somebody else has got you while you get busy figuring out how to get yourself right. It’s such a process. Yeah. So.

Coach Tiffini [00:25:55]:

And can I tell you that most of the women that are in our community are in our divorce programs when they’re initially starting. These women were lone wolves. You know, we attract very independent, masculine energy women into our strong, independent.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:09]:

Yeah. Overlooking. Yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:26:11]:

Yes. And these are not women that typically would have ever chosen to heal in a group, ever would have found connection with other people. And so to see them walk into this community and watch their energy shift in month one, month two, month three, to where they are like, holy shit. Like, these women see me, feel me, know me. Oh, like, that’s incredible. It’s incredible.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:36]:

Okay, let’s pivot to our community based small wins, big shift segment. Right, so last year, loves, we asked you to start sending us your wins, big or small, and let this be a call for another wave of them. Right. Many of you sent in, some of you sent voice notes, which are amazing. We’re going to play one today. And some of you sent in just, you know, written little excerpts. But we are sharing them this year on the pod. So small wins, big chefs, we have three listener submitted wins today.

Dawn Wiggins [00:27:09]:

Moments of relief, clarity, softness that didn’t exist before. Okay, we are going to start with a clip from Sarah. Let’s hear what she’s got to say.

Sarah S [00:27:21]:

Pager, divorce diary crew. I got another thing to report. I was struggling because we had this financial disagreement over a particular topic that was super vexing and super problematic. And I just didn’t see any way how we were going to work it out. And finally I decided I was just going to put a prayer out to the universe and just say, like, this is way above my pay grade. I can’t handle it. I don’t know how we are going to figure this out. And lo and behold, like, 24 hours later, when I was on a walk, of course, when it always happens, the insight came to me that I needed what I needed to, you know, something that could work for both of us, like, kind of a New way of looking at it.

Sarah S [00:28:12]:

And it just came out of nowhere. But of course, when we asked for help, man, it was so amazing. And it just reminded me, like, I don’t have to do this on my own. Their forces made way bigger than me that can help me. So, anyway, sending much love to all of you. Thanks for all the resources you provide.

Dawn Wiggins [00:28:35]:

Just. That was amazing. Like, that’s literally what we’re talking about in this episode, right. Is feeling. She said, super vexing. I love the word vexing. But, like, feeling like I cannot see a way through, but being willing to let go of controlling it and say, like, I am open to whatever the solution needs to be. And I love that she said she was walking because, you know, Francine Shapiro is the therapist who discovered and developed EMDR as a trauma treatment approach.

Dawn Wiggins [00:29:09]:

And she discovered EMDR while she was walking. She was walking, which is already bilaterally stimulating, and then her eyes were moving left to right, and so she was processing something super vexing. And then she felt a state change or a shift. So really interesting that Sarah shares that story. Something that shifted while she was walking. She was probably bilaterally stimulating, and it facilitated a shift in our bodies. Her body. So amazing.

Dawn Wiggins [00:29:36]:

It’s so inspiring.

Coach Tiffini [00:29:38]:

I want to go ahead and share a win from Kelly. Kelly wrote into us and said, my win is that this past weekend, I drove an hour to spend time with my sister and her family. Instead of isolating, I was aware of a holiday social event that was happening that I was no longer invited to, and I was at home pacing. So I got in the car and drove an hour to spend the evening with my people. I love that.

Producer Joy [00:30:01]:

I love that.

Coach Tiffini [00:30:02]:

This is what we talk about.

Dawn Wiggins [00:30:03]:

Yes. Yeah. Right.

Coach Tiffini [00:30:04]:

Like, so community, energy, support. Yes.

Dawn Wiggins [00:30:07]:

Yeah. Got iced out of her old community. I remember when she shared this. Got iced out of her old community. Feels so left out. Feels so other. Feels so like she doesn’t belong. Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:30:17]:

And then rather than staying home and pacing or isolating. Yeah. Went and connected with people, which. It’s so. Like, it seems so obvious as we’re listening to it. Right. But when you’re stuck in those feelings of pacing and feeling like you don’t belong, it doesn’t feel natural to go try to belong somewhere. Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:30:38]:

It feels like the last thing you want to do because your literal heart is guarded.

Producer Joy [00:30:42]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:30:43]:

You’re, like, literally closing off to protect what from the pain? To brace from the pain. And so it is a big deal to shift out of that moment where you’re feeling stuck and isolated. Huge win.

Producer Joy [00:30:53]:

I love that so much.

Dawn Wiggins [00:30:54]:

Yeah.

Producer Joy [00:30:57]:

I’m going to read a win from Sarah K. We have two. Sarah decided to let Sarah. I decided to let go of the anger and bitterness at my ex. He shared that he had gotten into a relationship so quickly because he was afraid of being alone. Thankful that I can be alone, and I’m not settling for just anyone to fill a void. That alone is so powerful.

Dawn Wiggins [00:31:21]:

Chills, right? Because so many women we talk to and that are listening right now get really stuck in this story. This is the story they tell themselves. He moved on so fast, and now he’s just happy. He just gets to be happy, and he just gets to be happy. He gets to be happy. Right? And I am over here, and I’m not happy and I’m alone. But it’s actually not true that he gets to be happy. He gets to have some fear or anxiety numbed temporarily.

Dawn Wiggins [00:31:48]:

That’s it. And I am obsessed that Sarah is able to see that rather than just settle to fill a void or to numb a noise, she’s going to abide with herself, and she’s gonna release him from the fear and the bitterness. That’s a massive win that I think a lot of women will have benefited from hearing just now. Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that. All right, my darling dears, if you have ever walked into a room feeling misunderstood, feeling like you had to explain yourself. Ooh, ladies, can you relate to that feeling? Like walking into a room and feeling you have to explain yourself, your choices, you’re gonna get questioned. People aren’t gonna understand, like, that sensation.

Dawn Wiggins [00:32:35]:

And you can also recall a time where you walked into a room and felt the opposite of that, where you just felt understood, you felt celebrated. You felt like people just got where you were coming from. And there was, like, resonance, or what’s a better word than resonance? Like, I don’t know, like, good. It felt good. Seen, Connected. I don’t know. Synergistic, Right? That is what we want to invite you into in our cocoon community on the Heartbeat app. We know that you just came out of the holiday season where you walked into a lot of rooms where you felt like you were going to have to explain yourself.

Dawn Wiggins [00:33:11]:

Right? There were going to be the questions like, where is he? What happened?

Sarah S [00:33:15]:

How are you?

Dawn Wiggins [00:33:16]:

It’s, like, the worst, right? Like, how do you think I am?

Producer Joy [00:33:19]:

The pity. The pity. Where. How are you? You know?

Dawn Wiggins [00:33:22]:

Yeah. Right. So if you want to be in one more room where you do not have to explain yourself, where you could experience the physical relief, the unburdening of feeling understood, witnessed, seen, related to we want to invite you to join Cocoon on the Heartbeat app. There is a link in the Show Notes where it just says Join our community. Here it is completely free. Every month we do a magic drop where there’s a giveaway, there are discussion threads to jump into. There are so many things to get involved in and we automatically send you an email and explain all of that. So don’t worry about it right now.

Dawn Wiggins [00:33:56]:

But come join us. Join us. Be in a room where you do not have to explain yourself. We love you so much. Peace. Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by my coach, Dawn. You can find more@mycoachdawn.com.