How to Change Your Money Mindset After Divorce

Today, we are going to talk about something we have never directly spoken about on my divorce recovery blogs: money.

Be Vulnerable With Yourself

I want to acknowledge that this is one of the most triggering post-divorce topics for people. It’s a discussion that runs deep inside of me. One of the reasons I’m able to talk to you about it today is because of the work I’ve been doing with my homeopath. A very well-selected constitutional homeopathic remedy has created shifts inside of me, and I’ve had several breakthroughs that allow me to talk with you about this today.

I sit here today with you, acknowledging that I am privileged, and these privileges have helped me be here at this moment. I also want to mention that I am obsessed with the Barbie movie.

In the Barbie movie, they talk about how it is impossible to be a woman. It is also true that as I sit here in my beautiful home talking to you about money, I am thinking about you possibly judging me for what I have and thinking that you can’t relate to me. I want you to know that I did not grow up with money. I did not grow up with any kind of wealth.

So much of the abundance that I have in my life after divorce, I have created. I’ve worked usually two, sometimes three jobs most of my life. I put myself through college scholarships and worked full-time through college and grad school.

I have certainly lived seasons of my life where all I had was debt and a chronic illness. I have been in very, very dark places financially, and I’ve been in fairly abundant places.

Money and Happiness

What stands out to me about all of this is that the most magical moments in my life have nothing to do with money.

That the most magical moments of my life have been when I have been deeply connected, laughing with the people that I love, when I have been deeply sad, and when someone I love has supported me and loved me well and just held space for me while I cried hysterically and then looked up and said, “Okay, I’m fine now.” The most magical things in life have been free.

The moment I gave birth to my daughter, the feeling of falling in love, the sensation of an orgasm. It’s these things that cannot be created with money. And so this is a reminder, too, because what divorce does to the economy of a family and what it does to the economy of a woman is brutal.

I don’t want to minimize that in any way for you. For us, in a patriarchal world, life and work are not organized around what works best for women. It’s organized around what works best for men. So it’s just a little bit harder. And then, if you’re a woman of color, it’s even harder still. A woman with a chronic illness, an invisible chronic illness, is harder still. However, what I’ve seen for myself and what I’ve learned professionally is that we often mix up money and security.

Money creates a certain amount of security, especially in your life after divorce. It provides food, clothing, shelter, and the things that we need to survive.

Money facilitates those things. But what truly facilitates those things if you look at the layer below the money?

It’s the connection with humanity. It’s the connections with our higher power. It’s the security that comes from being in a relationship with ourselves and with others.

Create a Support Network

In my darkest days, it wasn’t just relying on myself to make a couple of bucks that solved the problem.

It was the people who came behind me to hold me up when I couldn’t hold myself who made it possible for me to go to work.

True security comes from believing that I can and if I can’t, that there are people who love me who will. It’s believing that my God is not a God of chaos and that all of this has a purpose and a path.

That’s where true security comes from.

Be gentle with yourself in your post-divorce life. Just be open to the idea that it’s going to be okay.  

Acknowledge Life Isn’t Fair

Money. You probably have less of it today than you had last year. You probably have some doubts about your ability to have enough in the future. One of my favorite guilty pleasures is a pity party. I love a pity party, and money has certainly been one of the deepest wells of that in my life.

My ex-husband made more money than me, and I thought the idea that a lawyer made more money than a therapist was very unjust, and I didn’t like that. I am competitive by nature, so it annoyed me that he made more.

Now, I make more money in this marriage, and that also annoys me because it feels like a lot of pressure to me.

My story and feelings about money have held me back in so many ways. It has caused me to self-sabotage where I have been unkind to my husband, and I have been less proud of him in some moments. I have been unhappy because of the way money has flowed in our marriage. So what is that about?

It’s about the patriarchal roles that have been set up where men
should be breadwinners and women should be homemakers.

It’s feeling self-conscious about my family not fitting into that norm. It’s also me being in a pity party where I don’t want to be held fully accountable for my financial health and well-being.

Maybe you can relate to that at this moment. It’s unfair that you have to deal with the nonsense that your ex puts you through or deal with the financial burden of divorce itself. You may have paid for the attorney, the movers, and a new home… No matter how much I validate that for you, it’s hard.

Money Isn’t Everything

Much of our suffering in life is because we’re resistant to something. There’s something we women are resisting, tackling, or owning for ourselves. At the end of the day, we’ve all survived 100% of these days. Regardless of how much money we had in the bank account or how much debt we had, we’ve survived. We’ve made it.

Sometimes, we women get caught up in the idea that the more expensive thing is going to provide a better life when that’s not true.

Sometimes, the more expensive thing provides a bit more comfort, but the reality is that the best life comes from health, connection, a sense of security, and well-being, and from being tapped into the things that bring joy – because it’s not the money that brings joy.

Create Abundance By Using Free Resources

I do feel qualified to say all this because I’m sitting on my nice feather sofa right now, but I’ve also been living with many roommates, crammed in a very inexpensive apartment in college while working two jobs and going to school full time. I’ve sat in both spots.

I believe in your ability to innovate. I believe that you are here to create and encourage abundance, whether it’s financial or a relationship.

I love that the solutions to our post-divorce healing are often inexpensive. Let me talk about that in a more nuanced and deep way because working with me one-on-one is expensive. However, listening to my podcast and reading my blog is free. There’s no direct financial gain from my producing this podcast, and I pay an entire team to produce a podcast. Part of the reason I do this is because I feel like it’s my responsibility to put out sound healing information, and if someday that comes back to me energetically, fantastic!

It’s why I love my free Immersive Journaling program. I pour so many solutions into that. You can implement them, and it won’t break the bank. I also always encourage people in their post-divorce trauma to add bilateral stimulation to their healing journey with free EFT tapping on YouTube.

What’s expensive is having a coach hold us accountable. We women struggle to stay consistent and use the tools day after day after day. I don’t want you to think that you can’t heal because you don’t have access to an expensive therapist or an expensive coach.

Acknowledge Mindset Challenges

Money is not the issue in our divorce recovery. Our struggles are around money mindset, staying out of the pity party, and being consistent over time. We women struggle to trust ourselves. We struggle to trust God or a higher power and understand that we’re worthy and lovable.

I want to validate for you that patriarchy is a real thing, and sometimes, being a woman is harder than being a man.

Not having enough money is not a permanent status in your life after divorce. The resources are here for you.

And if you want to have a pity party, I will join you for a few minutes. DM me about the things that suck in your life, and I will bandwagon with you for about six minutes, and then I will say, “Okay, enough. Now, what’s the plan?”

Leave the Victim Triangle

There have been times in life where I wish people had called me on my shit sooner. There have been times in life where I have been stuck in the pity party about money or about being wronged in some other way, and I wish someone had pointed out to me that I was being in victim mode and blocking my power.

In my professional life, I know that my fears about judgment sometimes have kept me small and prevented me from charging more because I worried, “If I shine too bright, are you going to judge me, and are you going to troll me?”

We women keep ourselves small because we’re afraid of rejection or we’re afraid of who we’ll turn into if we do it differently. Do you know how many people have said to me, “I’m afraid to do EMDR because I don’t know who I will be on the other side of it?” Your fear of rising and not knowing who you will be on the other side of it is real.

I am the same me I was two years ago, five years ago, 10 years ago.

At my core, I am the most me I have ever been. I have shed the shitty behaviors and the bad ways of treating myself and other people.

As a result of this healing work, I am more me today. I am less of an asshole. I am in less pain. I am more in my heart. I am more confident.

I know what you’re capable of, and I know the fears you have. You can shed them love. One step at a time. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Choose You

There may be some temporary circumstances, but now is the time to get clever and creative. Cynicism, negativity, and resentment don’t jive with creativity.

You have to choose. Do you want creativity and innovation to rise, or do you want to stay bitter, resentful, and small?

It’s tough. Just like they said in Barbie, “Women hate women, and men hate women. It’s the one thing we can all agree on.” So if you are successful, yes, women will hate on you. And if you are having a pity party, yes, women will hate on you. That is real.

F*ck that. Choose to rise. Choose your success. Choose your new story.

I love you so much, and I know what you’re capable of. I know you’re capable of investing. I know you’re capable of building a business. I know you’re capable of finding a side hustle. I know you’re capable of switching jobs, even though it’s scary.

I don’t want you to figure it all out on your own. Find the mentors, ask for help, admit what you don’t know, and then rise. Don’t get caught up in thinking that the more expensive thing is better. Often, we are just being sold to.

I want to encourage you to be discerning about where to spend your money, where to spend your time, and when you need a well-placed bit of guidance to catapult yourself into the next level of emotional, financial, or parenting success.

Look at the money mindset and divorce recovery books that are already on your shelves, the courses, or the journals you’ve already purchased, or think back to the advice you’ve already been given.

Put that into action day after day after day.

If you have questions about whether or not a particular healing modality is worth your financial investment, message me. I’ll give you my two cents.

You’ve got this. One foot in front of the other. Consistency is queen. And then celebrate your wins along the way.

I love you so much. Peace.