Why We Feel Lonely After Divorce: The Role of Codependency & Your Nervous System

I know you feel lonely after divorce, so let’s do something about it. Loneliness is a function of isolation, and we women isolate ourselves when we don’t feel safe. Your nervous system is the key to shifting all of that. Today, we are talking about how to overcome loneliness by understanding your nervous system.

We’ll also talk about what it means to co-regulate with another person and how that is directly tied to our ability to regulate our own nervous systems and our mental and emotional health.

Why Loneliness Feels Overwhelming: Exploring Isolation, Connection, and the Nervous System’s Role

Loneliness after divorce is a heavy feeling of isolation and not knowing how to shift out of it. It’s very interesting to think that, as a population, we feel lonelier than ever. It’s because we’re so disconnected, often hiding behind screens. But why does this happen? Why is it getting worse?

Spending alone time is healthy and fulfilling. But when we women feel lonely after divorce, we’re isolated or disconnected. You could feel lonely in a room full of people because your nervous system is perceiving a threat.

When the nervous system perceives a threat, it moves from a green light state, where it feels safe to socialize and safe to connect, to a yellow light state, where it wants to fight or flee. Then, if there’s been enough time in the yellow light state, it drops to red light, which is dorsal vagal shutdown—also known as full-blown isolation and difficulty mobilizing.

It’s not possible to feel safe, connect, or socialize from that collapsed state.

Feeling sad and lonely after divorce often stems from being in a chronically yellow or red state. This happens when you are alone or perceive yourself as being alone and unsafe.

So how do we move from this chronic nervous system dysregulation?

Breaking Free from Loneliness: Overcoming Self-Judgment and Nervous System Stress for Deeper Connections

There are certain times when there is a very real threat and your nervous system tells you, “Be aware of your surroundings.”

But when you’re at a birthday party and in the yellow light state, it’s often because you’re misperceiving threats. In these cases, the work involves building meaningful relationships and moving from loneliness into a green light state.

We want healthy nervous systems. We women want to feel safe in our environment. We want to feel safe and to connect. We want our hearts to be open.

Rebuilding Connections: Overcoming Loneliness Through Co-Regulation and Green Light Nervous System States

After a divorce, many of us have lost friends and a partner. We want to feel safe to open up and not be lonely all the time. But it’s hard to have a green light nervous system when you haven’t had consistently healthy, green light connections with others in a long while.

When a baby is born, how does it find safety, calmness or a sense of well-being? It’s soothed by its caregivers, and when the baby feels safe, it relaxes. This is the process of co-regulating—which is regulating your nervous system in conjunction with another person.

Infants do that with our caregivers and the same is true for adults. When we experience two green light nervous systems together, it fosters a stronger sense of safety within our own system.

We remember the good feelings of being held by our mothers when we have these positive green light experiences with others.

Your ability to maintain a green light state on your own is directly linked to your ability to experience it with another person.

Healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Achieving a secure attachment style requires regularly experiencing green light states with others.

Heal Your Nervous System and Create Secure Connections for a Fulfilling Life

This is why I designed our twelve-month program specifically for twelve women. We have to practice moving from red to yellow and yellow to green with each other consistently. That is how you overcome loneliness.

Recognize when you’re in a red or yellow light state and think, “It would be helpful to find a green light and regulate,” and do that consistently to feel safe and connected. Loneliness is directly tied to feeling threatened or in danger.

If you’ve been having a hard time feeling lonely after divorce and seeking a sense of safety in your environment, either by yourself or with others, this is a really good opportunity for you to join A Different “D” Word, our twelve-month, twelve-woman cocoon for healing your nervous system, overcoming this divorce, and creating a more secure attachment style.

Reach out via Instagram or email, and we can schedule a call to discuss your journey and how the program can support you.

Give yourself the gift of a green light nervous system. Overcome loneliness after divorce, overcome grief, and manifest an amazing life where you feel abundant and you feel safe in your body and in the world around you.

I love you so much. Peace.