IFS Therapy Session: Healing the People-Pleaser

5 Key Takeaways

1. People-pleasing is a protective part of yourself, not a personality flaw. Through an Internal Family Systems therapy session, we learn how Joy’s people-pleaser developed when she was a child, when her mother would withdraw and stop speaking to her for weeks at a time. This part learned that being loved meant being good enough, performing a certain way, staying quiet, and being pleasing—because if other people were happy, Joy was safe.
2. Our bodies recognize danger before our minds do, and those signals have information for healing people-pleasing patterns. Learning to recognize these body sensations is the first step in catching the pattern before it takes over, allowing you to consciously choose a different response and achieve nervous system regulation. When Joy’s people-pleaser activates, the skin on her arms gets tingly and hot with heat—a physical response so strong it’s visibly red.
3. Healing childhood emotional wounds can take IFS therapy, EMDR, and homeopathy. Sometimes healing takes more than one somatic approach. Joy had done EMDR therapy on this same childhood memory before, but her level of dissociation was too high to access the emotional release. After homeopathy cleared the energetic blocks, she experienced an emotional release for the first time, allowing the memory to finally move into long-term storage where it belongs.
4. Childhood emotional wounds cause people-pleasing patterns in adults. Every time Joy feels judged or insecure and her people-pleaser part activates, her brain goes right back to being that nine-year-old frozen in the back of the car. By reworking that memory and creating a new visual through IFS therapy—seeing that little girl feral and wild and free—her brain learns to automatically go to the new memory instead.
5. Trauma healing through IFS happens when protective parts see that Self can lead with emotional safety and nervous system regulation. People-pleasing parts often spend years working harder and doing more in an effort to feel safe. Through this IFS therapy session, Joy learned this part can only step back when she demonstrates being stronger, more authentic, and secure in being herself, proving she can lead from her capital-S Self with compassion and internal trust rather than from fear of abandonment.

Highlights

• 00:00 Silent Treatment from Mother
• 04:40 Addressing the “People Pleaser” Within
• 08:52 Seeking Approval Through Effort
• 13:31 Reworking Memories for Emotional Awareness
• 14:39 “Empowering Joy Through Movement”
• 18:44 Redefining Courage as Dissociation
• 20:49 Understanding Relationship Patterns

Full Transcript

Here’s the transcript with the span tags replaced with p tags:

Dawn Wiggins [00:00:00]:

We just wrapped up in a live IFS session where coach Tiffany coached producer Joy through an IFS session. And I am shook. It was amazing. Producer Joy was able to work through some wild old memories and really create some big shifts. And this is an episode you do not want to miss. Towards the end, I pop in, we start to have some conversation. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was so exciting.

Dawn Wiggins [00:00:30]:

We talk a little bit about how to integrate somatics into the IFS process. And if about three quarters into the session where coach Tiffany asks producer Joy to have some internal dialogue, you may not be able to hear this on the tape, but from the back of the room, I was like, add some bilateral stimulation, AKA do some emdr. So this session truly was an integrated piece of magic. It was pre facilitated by homeopathy.

Coach Tiffini [00:00:56]:

Facilitated.

Dawn Wiggins [00:00:57]:

Facilitated by coach Tiffany and producer Joy.

Producer Joy [00:01:00]:

Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:01:00]:

And then add a little EMDR and hot damn. Enjoy.

Producer Joy [00:01:05]:

Hi, Joy.

Coach Tiffini [00:01:07]:

Hi, Tiffany.

Producer Joy [00:01:09]:

So today I’m really excited to get the opportunity to do IFS with Joy, and I’m excited to dig into Joy’s parts a little bit. How are you feeling about everything?

Coach Tiffini [00:01:20]:

I’m excited. I. Yeah, good. I’m a little nervous, but I’m here for it. Like, I like knowing myself better. So.

Producer Joy [00:01:28]:

And full disclosure, we were sitting out on the balcony a couple days ago, and Joy asked if she could know what the questions were that I was going to ask her because Joy has a controller manager that needs to know how we’re going to do everything today. And I would not answer.

Coach Tiffini [00:01:42]:

No, she wouldn’t.

Producer Joy [00:01:43]:

No clues. No clues. Joy, do you want to talk about the thing that kind of is the most prominent to you in your adult life right now? The thing that seems to stand in your way more than anything and is the loudest in your head? Because you and I discussed this prior. We know which manager you’re going to work on today, but if you want to just explain which manager we’re going to tackle and why that means the most to you right now for this point in your life. Yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:02:09]:

So at this juncture, at this season, I am really focused in working on my people pleasing manager, in which I make myself smaller so other people are more comfortable. And I suppress or push down any thoughts or feelings or ideas or attitudes or anything that I would be most authentic in or to make other people comfortable and to please other people to make them happy. Because if they’re happy, I’m safe.

Producer Joy [00:02:45]:

Can you remember the first time that you started to feel this way?

Coach Tiffini [00:02:48]:

Not specifically. I remember As a child, my mother, who loved me fiercely. I’m not shaming her, but there was a pattern of behavior in which if I disappointed her, if I said something that hurt her feelings, that she would stop speaking to me and she would stop. She would withdraw herself, sometimes weeks at a time because I hurt her feelings. Her feelings were hurt. I. It was never an action. It was always a word or a sentence or like something that I cut her with my words and she just couldn’t.

Coach Tiffini [00:03:27]:

So she just shut down. Like, she just removed herself from my presence as a child.

Producer Joy [00:03:33]:

Okay, and as a child, what do you remember that feeling, like, in your body?

Coach Tiffini [00:03:39]:

I felt very scared. I felt very ensure unsafe. You know, as a teen, years, of course, that was. I would roll my eyes and whatever, mom, right. But like that, needing to be good, to be loved. I needed to be. I needed to perform a certain way and be quiet and just be pleasing. I wasn’t allowed to have.

Producer Joy [00:04:06]:

I wasn’t allowed, you know, like, big emotions, big feelings. For those of you who don’t know, producer Joy, she is like a ray of sunshine. She is a force. So to know that that was surprised, that’s sad to me.

Coach Tiffini [00:04:19]:

I’m doing it now. I’m literally in my body. Like, I don’t want her to hear this and. And think that I think she was a bad mom, you know, like, I’m doing it in my body now thinking, like, no, no, she was a good mom. She loved me and did her best, but she had unhealed parts, you know, like her childhood. So, like, I feel myself doing it.

Producer Joy [00:04:40]:

Okay, all right, so what we’ll do, Joy, is we’ll go ahead and get started. So the manager that Joy wants to address today is her people pleaser. So that is where we’re going to start out and go today. So, Joy, I want you to go ahead and close your eyes for me, and I want you to take just a few deep breaths. Now I want you to go ahead and envision yourself in a place that you feel safe and you feel calm. And then when you’re there in your mind, I want you to describe to me where you are.

Coach Tiffini [00:05:15]:

I’m in the mountains. The breeze is cool. The birds are singing. The leaves in the trees are rustling. Little stream is trickling. The sun is like streaming through the tree line.

Producer Joy [00:05:36]:

So I want you to imagine that as you’re walking through the woods, you happen to see your people pleaser manager. And I want you to describe for me initially what they look like.

Coach Tiffini [00:05:48]:

So the first thing I saw Was little girl. Me being small.

Producer Joy [00:05:54]:

About how old do you think she is?

Coach Tiffini [00:05:57]:

Maybe nine. At nine, it’s. It’s when I was. I was riding. We had a white Explorer, and I was riding in the back because, you know, back then you didn’t have seat belts. So I was laying down in the back end, and I heard her tell my dad that she didn’t like me. They thought I was asleep, and they were having a very frank conversation about me. And I heard her say the words that she didn’t like me and my people pleasing because I said that out loud.

Coach Tiffini [00:06:33]:

Now, my people pleasing is. Well, I had ADD and she couldn’t handle me and all the things. And so, like, that’s the little girl that wasn’t good enough and wasn’t safe enough to be me.

Producer Joy [00:06:46]:

So when you walk up to her, Joy, in the woods and you see her there, what does she do when she notices you?

Coach Tiffini [00:06:55]:

She, like, shies away a little bit. Mm.

Producer Joy [00:06:57]:

Okay.

Coach Tiffini [00:06:59]:

She steps back.

Producer Joy [00:07:01]:

And then as you approach her and ask her if you’re allowed to sit down and have a conversation with her, what does she say?

Coach Tiffini [00:07:09]:

Yes.

Producer Joy [00:07:10]:

Okay.

Coach Tiffini [00:07:11]:

She wants to make me happy.

Producer Joy [00:07:13]:

Is there anything else that you notice about her physically or just that she is a mirror image of you at nine?

Coach Tiffini [00:07:20]:

She has unruly hair.

Producer Joy [00:07:25]:

And how do you feel in your body sitting next to her?

Coach Tiffini [00:07:29]:

I feel scared. Mm.

Producer Joy [00:07:33]:

Okay.

Coach Tiffini [00:07:34]:

Feel unsure. Like I’m gonna say something that scares her and I’m gonna do something that makes her feel unloved or uncomfortable.

Producer Joy [00:07:46]:

Do you feel like there’s another part coming forward that’s trying to protect her?

Coach Tiffini [00:07:51]:

I just wanna hold her.

Producer Joy [00:07:53]:

Okay. And then if that feels good, you can do that and see if she’ll come sit up with you. So I’d like you to ask her, Joy, how old does she think you are?

Coach Tiffini [00:08:06]:

Old.

Producer Joy [00:08:07]:

Okay, so she recognizes your current age, or does she think that you’re older than you are?

Coach Tiffini [00:08:16]:

She probably feels that I’m older than I am.

Producer Joy [00:08:19]:

Okay. Can you ask her how she ended up getting her job as the people pleaser to keep the peace when you were younger, growing up, how well does she think she did her job?

Coach Tiffini [00:08:36]:

Not well.

Producer Joy [00:08:37]:

And why is that?

Coach Tiffini [00:08:39]:

I think she feels like she was never good enough.

Producer Joy [00:08:44]:

And now in this phase of your life, how good of a job does she think she’s doing as your people pleaser?

Coach Tiffini [00:08:52]:

I think she has spent many, many years trying hard to keep me safe and to, like, if she works a little bit harder and she does a little bit more, people will like me. And stay and people will like me and want me around.

Producer Joy [00:09:12]:

What is she afraid is going to happen to you if she doesn’t do her job?

Coach Tiffini [00:09:17]:

That no one actually likes me. If I’m not what they want me to be, then they’ll leave like that. I don’t actually have anybody in my life. Mm.

Producer Joy [00:09:29]:

What would she rather be doing?

Coach Tiffini [00:09:32]:

Having fun. Mm. Mm.

Producer Joy [00:09:35]:

What does she feel like she needs to see from you in order to step back in her job?

Coach Tiffini [00:09:40]:

Me. To be a stronger, authentic, like, secure in being me being stronger. That resonates. Mm.

Producer Joy [00:09:54]:

What else does she want you to know, Joy?

Coach Tiffini [00:09:56]:

That I’m good enough. I’m allowed to be opinionated, and I’m allowed to be right. And I’m allowed to be loud. And I’m not just talking. I’m not just talking about the loud laugh or loud volume, but, like, take up space.

Producer Joy [00:10:24]:

Okay. What are some things that you want to tell her?

Coach Tiffini [00:10:30]:

That she did a really good job, and then I’m okay.

Producer Joy [00:10:38]:

So what I want you to do now, Joy, is when you feel ready, you can have some internal conversation with her, if you would like. And then when you’re ready, you can just come back out and tell me when you’re ready. All right. So how are you feeling after that?

Coach Tiffini [00:10:51]:

I feel good. I feel I gave her a big hug and said thank you.

Producer Joy [00:10:56]:

So second piece of this, then, is going back to rework the memory of that day when she was created in the back of the car. Right. So how would you have wanted that day to go differently? How should that day have gone for you?

Coach Tiffini [00:11:13]:

I think that any child hearing their parent say something derogatory about them behind their back, it’s just. It cuts you and molds you. So I wish I had, like, sat up and said, what did you mean by that? Or I wish I had been brave enough not to pretend I was asleep. Mm.

Producer Joy [00:11:41]:

So I want you to close your eyes for me and just take a couple deep breaths. And I want you to just imagine, Joy, that you are walking as yourself up to the car, and you are taking that little girl into your arms. And what would you tell her about that day?

Coach Tiffini [00:12:12]:

That it’s okay because I like you more.

Producer Joy [00:12:18]:

And if you were to bring her into your life now, where do you feel like she would be the most happy? And what do you see her doing?

Coach Tiffini [00:12:28]:

Being wild. Being free. Being loud. Being educated. Not reprimanded. Mm.

Producer Joy [00:12:35]:

So coming back out of that, the way that we put the pieces together in this is recognizing those initial body sensations that you have when you start to feel like your people pleaser manager is about ready to come on scene. So when you feel like you’re being judged or you’re starting to feel feelings of insecurity or somebody says a comment, how does your body tell you?

Coach Tiffini [00:13:03]:

Mm, yeah. So my arms, the skin on my arms gets tingly. You know earlier when I said that thing about my mom, like, no, no, she loved me because my whole arms, the topical skin of my arms just went ablaze.

Producer Joy [00:13:23]:

I could see them get red.

Coach Tiffini [00:13:24]:

Yeah.

Producer Joy [00:13:25]:

Like you change quickly. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:13:27]:

Is it visible change too? That’s interesting. Okay. That’s so interesting.

Producer Joy [00:13:31]:

Yeah. So the whole point of reworking that memory is that the next time being very self aware, that the next time you start feeling that sensation in your body, I want you to picture nine year old Joy in your world now, feral and wild and doing her thing. Whether that’s in the backyard with the dogs, you know, doing whatever she want to do, catching fireflies, flying a cat, like whatever it is. But your body and your brain will learn to bring that into your memory. That will be the new memory. Because right now, what’s happening every single time is that when you feel that sensation in your body and people pleaser comes up, she goes right back to being in the back of that car.

Coach Tiffini [00:14:15]:

Oh.

Producer Joy [00:14:17]:

So you have to give your brain and visual.

Coach Tiffini [00:14:20]:

Okay, okay. So when my arms are on fire, I grab that little girl out.

Producer Joy [00:14:26]:

Yes.

Coach Tiffini [00:14:27]:

Okay.

Producer Joy [00:14:27]:

You just keep bringing her back into your world until it incorporates and that’s where your brain automatically goes.

Coach Tiffini [00:14:33]:

Mm, okay. That’s fascinating. Yeah. Okay.

Producer Joy [00:14:39]:

So Joy, why don’t you go ahead and just get up for me, shake it out a little bit and then come back and tell me what you’re noticing. So the reason too, why we’re asking Joy to get up and move around is because it is expelling all of that energy and it is resetting the memory as well. It’s allowing her to get up and get wild and free. And the thing that I asked her to do is the thing that she can do. And so it kind of like cements not that in her mind. So, Joy, what I would ask you to do over the next couple of weeks is I would ask you to be very intentional and self aware when you start feeling that sensation in your body to start bringing her into your world. I would also challenge you to start setting boundaries with those around you. And if you don’t understand what someone is telling you, challenge back.

Producer Joy [00:15:19]:

What did you mean by that? What does that mean? Okay, do not sit and let it ruminate in your brain, do you? Because that’s the cycle. That’s the cycle you’re in. So instead of speaking up, you’re still that little girl in the back of the car afraid to get up and say, hello, I’m here. I need to know what’s happening.

Coach Tiffini [00:15:37]:

Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:15:39]:

When were we mapping a memory? And we can pull the somatics in just like Coach Tiffany had. You get up and shake it off.

Coach Tiffini [00:15:48]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:15:49]:

So when you’re doing this work over the next couple of weeks and you feel that movement on your skin, speaking up may not feel super available right away because it’s a new pattern, it’s a new behavior. And any new pattern feels awkward and it doesn’t always come naturally right away. So anytime we can include somatics. If you were at a fancy function and you were just a tay in the wind. What’s that movie? I don’t remember. My girlfriend Ty used to always quote that. That would be hysterical. And I enjoy.

Coach Tiffini [00:16:26]:

I envision like those, those blowy things.

Producer Joy [00:16:29]:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:16:30]:

And like the advertisement outside businesses.

Producer Joy [00:16:33]:

Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:34]:

You’re like, no, but just the idea when you make that mental connection with that nine year old girl and you say, hey, let’s. You know, it can almost be like your own little inner secret, like your inside joke with yourself.

Producer Joy [00:16:46]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:47]:

So yes, if I see you across the ballroom giggling and like shaking, I’ll doing.

Coach Tiffini [00:16:52]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:52]:

But it’s just that little internal nod to her.

Coach Tiffini [00:16:55]:

Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:56]:

And to physically move, it will be easier for her to find her voice. Right. It’s creating that neural pathway. So there’s a book that I love that I read so many moons ago called Waking the Tiger. And it’s a trauma book, but it talks about how when our typical pattern is fight, flight, freeze. Fawn, we all have a typical.

Coach Tiffini [00:17:16]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:17:16]:

And in this particular memory, it was freeze.

Coach Tiffini [00:17:19]:

Yeah.

Producer Joy [00:17:19]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:17:19]:

You described feeling frozen. So if as you’re reimagining this memory and you’re breaking this pattern, if you can do movement, it will help integrate the new way of doing it. And it’ll make the vocal part of. Hey, what do you mean by that?

Coach Tiffini [00:17:34]:

Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:17:34]:

Come easier and it’ll just help it all integrate. Because we know from talk therapy. Right. That if we are only healing through talking.

Coach Tiffini [00:17:42]:

Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:17:42]:

It’s just not going to go deep enough.

Coach Tiffini [00:17:44]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:17:44]:

We have to add the somatics. We have to add the subconscious belief.

Producer Joy [00:17:47]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:17:47]:

So it’s like just pulling, pulling all these things together somatically, even if the movement is small.

Coach Tiffini [00:17:53]:

Right. That Makes sense. That makes sense. But like, I could add a delicate butterfly tap something, anything.

Dawn Wiggins [00:18:00]:

Yep. It’s just the idea of not being frozen.

Coach Tiffini [00:18:03]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:18:03]:

That’s it.

Coach Tiffini [00:18:03]:

Okay. I do freeze for sure. Okay. What’s so interesting about this particular memory is that I’ve done EMDR around my mom, hearing my mom, but I’ve never thought about me. Like the fact that I didn’t sit up or I didn’t protect myself or I didn’t like it didn’t. I never have gone there before.

Dawn Wiggins [00:18:32]:

So you did EMDR on this memory?

Coach Tiffini [00:18:34]:

I did EMDR about telling like the whole. Not good enough.

Dawn Wiggins [00:18:38]:

But did that memory come up and was this pre homeopathy?

Coach Tiffini [00:18:43]:

This was pre homeopathy.

Dawn Wiggins [00:18:44]:

So that’s the thing, right? Love’s like loves. I need you to hear this. Joy went to emdr. She did some good EMDR work. But your level of dissociation was too high. And honestly, what you were describing as being frozen in the back of the car and not having the courage. We’re not going to call that not having the courage anymore. Going to call that dissociation.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:10]:

That is probably not in any way the first time you dissociated.

Coach Tiffini [00:19:14]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:14]:

Because a mom that’s already speaking that way about her child has already acted away energetically for the nine years leading up to that moment.

Coach Tiffini [00:19:19]:

Yeah, for sure.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:20]:

Okay, so you were dissociated in the.

Coach Tiffini [00:19:22]:

Back of that car. That makes. That clicks. It just. I’m going to start crying again. That clicks everything.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:32]:

That clicks everything. And so what homeopathy did is it opened all of the pathways, it cleared all the energetic blocks, reinforcing dissociation. And so when you did this session with Tiffany, you were able to have the emotional release that you never ever had, not from that day when the event happened and not in the emdr. Pre homeopathy.

Coach Tiffini [00:19:56]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:56]:

And so it’s not that you didn’t get any benefit from the emdr. You connected some dots. Right. You understood yourself better. You were maybe able to release to whatever degree you were able to reach into that.

Coach Tiffini [00:20:09]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:20:09]:

But it was largely intellectual, not embodied.

Coach Tiffini [00:20:12]:

Yes.

Dawn Wiggins [00:20:13]:

Today you experienced the relief of an emotional release. And now it is so much more likely that that memory passes back into long term storage where it was meant to go in a non dissociative process.

Coach Tiffini [00:20:28]:

Wow. My mind is like so blown right now because coming into today I truly was just like, I’ve done so much work. I don’t know how good this episode is going to be. Like, I can’t. I don’t even know if I can access what she’s wanting me to access anymore. So I cannot even articulate.

Dawn Wiggins [00:20:49]:

But this is the point, right? Anywhere you are experiencing patterns in your relationships, right? And this pattern comes up in our relationship. We’re letting them see behind the podcast microphone, right. This pattern comes up in our relationship a lot. Like in hearing this session, it is so much easier to love you now knowing these little, like these little textures, right. Like, when this pattern comes up, I know where it’s coming from. Now I understand which part I’m talking to and how to love that part.

Coach Tiffini [00:21:18]:

Well. Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:21:19]:

So anytime you’re having patterns come up in any of your relationships. So for our listeners, whether this is in dating, and that’s same thing gets triggered on a first date or a third date or a twelfth date, or it’s coming up with their kiddos or it’s coming up with their ex. Anytime we’re seeing repetitive patterns where we are going to not good enough. Or lonely or insecure or anxious or whatever it is, there is some memory somewhere with something hung up.

Coach Tiffini [00:21:44]:

Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:21:45]:

Otherwise the pattern wouldn’t be patterning. So I was in the room for this entire session. It changed my life to hear it.

Producer Joy [00:21:52]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:21:52]:

Because these are two women that I love so fiercely and so deeply. And now I just, you know, get to know more and love them harder and all the things. Thank you so much for being here. You are pure magic. Peace.