Identity Crisis After Divorce: Finding Yourself Again After the Marriage Ends

5 Key Takeaways

First Takeaway: You are not just grieving the marriage. Many women believe they are only grieving their ex-spouse. In reality, they are often grieving:

• The future they imagined
• The family structure they expected
• Their role as a spouse
• Shared dreams and plans
• The identity they built around the relationship

This deeper loss can create feelings of confusion and emptiness as you adjust to a new reality.

Second Takeaway: Feeling lost does not mean you are broken. An identity crisis after divorce is often a sign of transition, not failure. Your old identity may no longer fit, but your new identity has not fully emerged yet. This in-between stage can feel uncomfortable, but it is often where growth begins. Instead of seeing uncertainty as a problem, look at this time as an opportunity for rediscovery.

Third Takeaway: Overthinking can keep you stuck. After divorce, many women spend enormous amounts of mental energy second-guessing themselves:

• Did I make the right decision?
• What will others think?
• Am I doing enough?
• What should I do next?

This constant mental loop drains emotional energy and makes it difficult to trust yourself. Learning to distinguish feelings of anxiety from intuition can be a huge step toward healing and finding the truest version of yourself.

Fourth Takeaway: Self-worth must come from within. Many women unknowingly tie their identity to being:

• A spouse
• A parent
• A caregiver
• A provider
• A people-pleaser

After a divorce, those roles may change dramatically. True healing begins when your self-worth is no longer dependent on another person’s approval, validation, or presence. Developing a grounded sense of self allows you to make decisions based on your values rather than fear.

Fifth Takeaway: Rebuilding your identity happens one choice at a time. You do not need to figure out your entire future today. Identity is rebuilt through small daily choices:

• Setting healthy boundaries
• Exploring new interests
• Reconnecting with old passions
• Taking care of your physical and emotional health
• Spending time with supportive people
• Learning to trust yourself again

Over time, these small actions create a stronger foundation for the women you are becoming.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to have an identity crisis after divorce?

Yes, it is normal to have an identity crisis after divorce. Divorce often disrupts your sense of self, future plans, routines, and relationships. Many women experience confusion, uncertainty, and a loss of identity during the healing process.

How long does an identity crisis after divorce last?

There is no universal timeline. Some women begin feeling more grounded within months, while others may need several years to fully rebuild their sense of self. Your healing depends on factors like emotional support, personal growth, and your unique divorce experience.

Why do I feel lost after divorce?

You may be feeling lost after divorce because you are grieving more than the relationship itself. Many women are also grieving lost dreams, family expectations, routines, and the identity they built within the marriage.

How do I rebuild my identity after divorce?

Start by reconnecting with your personal values, interests, goals, and needs. Focus on self-care, emotional healing, healthy boundaries, and activities that help you rediscover who you are outside the relationship.

Can divorce change your personality?

Divorce can change how you view yourself, your priorities, and your relationships. While your core personality often remains intact, many women experience significant personal growth and develop a stronger sense of authenticity after healing.

Why do I no longer know who I am?

When a marriage becomes a central part of your identity, its end can leave a gap in your sense of self. This does not mean you have lost yourself forever — it often means you are in the process of redefining who you are.

Conclusion

An identity crisis after divorce can feel frightening because it challenges everything you thought you knew about yourself and your future. Yet this period of uncertainty is often the beginning of profound transformation.

You are not simply losing an old identity — you are creating space for a new one.

Healing happens when you stop trying to become who you were before the divorce and start discovering who you are now. By rebuilding self-trust, reconnecting with your values, and making choices that align with your authentic self, you can create a future that feels meaningful, grounded, and entirely your own.

The end of your marriage may have changed your story, but it does not define who you are. Your next chapter is still being written.

Highlights

• 00:00 Post-Divorce Motherhood Challenges
• 05:13 “Navigating Single Motherhood at 40”
• 08:19 “Prioritizing Presence Over Perfection”
• 12:42 Safety or Control Dilemma?
• 15:09 Grounded Nervous System for Moms
• 17:38 Embrace Co-Parenting Differences
• 21:31 Balancing Service with Self-Care
• 24:43 Emotional Awareness & Self-Care
• 27:48 Grounding: The Power of Pause
• 30:53 Relentless Faith and Healing
• 34:53 “Free Post-Divorce Roadmap Offer”

Full Transcript

Dawn Wiggins [00:00:01]:

No one warned me. No one warned me. That’s the quiet thought so many moms carry but never dare to say. You do everything for your children. You love them fiercely and yet underneath you feel this bone deep loneliness, exhaustion and resentment. And divorce only sharpens that. And then comes the shame. You’re supposed to be grateful for your children.

Dawn Wiggins [00:00:21]:

You tell yourself other moms have it worse, but pushing down these feelings doesn’t make it go away. And today we are naming the truth. Why the very thing you fear will make you bad mom is actually the thing that saying out loud will set you free. Hi love. Welcome to Dear Divorced Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave, and build back your confidence. I’m your host, Dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee. Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce. Darlings.

Dawn Wiggins [00:01:13]:

In today’s episode we are covering the intersection of divorce, identity and motherhood and how freaking hard it is to be a mom in a post divorce life. So, so the three big topics we are going to cover is the identity, loss, why you still feel like a stranger in your own skin. And it’s because it’s not just about your ex. It’s grieving a version of motherhood you thought you’d have. And there’s grieving this sort of version where there’s space to be more than just a mom right now. We’re also going to talk about the nervous system twist, right? The sneaky way your body confuses sometimes love with danger during transition weekends and how that survival wiring shapes the way you approach motherhood. And so we’re going to be checking out and talking about the various ways you can take kind of rethink if your kids are unsafe or if they aren’t unsafe or if your nervous system is reaching for control or if it actually needs to problem solve. And sort of how all of that gets braided and blended together and you lose track of a clear path sometimes and the ability to calm your nervous system.

Dawn Wiggins [00:02:18]:

And then we’re also going to talk about the place towards the end of the episode where you leak energy the most, which often boils down to second guessing so many of your decisions, not being able to discern anxiety from intuition, and it drains more energy than actual motherhood. And then your resentment grows and you’re mothering from duty instead of desire. And so we are going to share at the end of the episode the telltale signs you’re in this Energy leak loop and how to break it. Good morning, ladies. Hey there. Ooh, Tiff, Tiff, what’s, what’s, what’s up with your voice today?

Coach Tiffini [00:02:55]:

I have a really sexy ragweed allergy and it makes me sound like super sexy.

Dawn Wiggins [00:03:01]:

It’s perfect for podcasting.

Coach Tiffini [00:03:04]:

Thank you.

Dawn Wiggins [00:03:05]:

All right, let’s unpack mom identity loss after divorce, right? Like all the ways in which we, you know, lost ourselves in the marriage, it’s post divorce world. We’re trying to rebuild our lives and then it’s like all there is is like momming and this grief about like I had a different conception of what motherhood was gonna be in my family.

Dawn Wiggins [00:03:29]:

Right? Like it.

Dawn Wiggins [00:03:30]:

So it’s the kind of mother I want to be. Maybe is not even available currently.

Coach Tiffini [00:03:34]:

I was a stay at home mom in my marriage and so that fit for me and I loved being able to be home with her and being able to be there to be the domestic goddess that I was. Right. Like, that was kind of my ideal of what I wanted. And then post divorce, everything got put on me and I went from being a stay at home mom to being a full time working mom and being pretty much the only parent because he was always deployed or traveling or whatever. So every single thing got thrown on me very quickly right out the gate and I had to just figure it out.

Dawn Wiggins [00:04:10]:

This is very interesting. I don’t think we’ve ever unpacked this because I’ve always been a working mom and I am very curious to consider how it’s a harder transition for a stay at home mom in a post divorce situation.

Dawn Wiggins [00:04:26]:

Right?

Dawn Wiggins [00:04:26]:

When she has to go to work and figure out how to single mom. Like, that’s a freaking lot.

Producer Joy [00:04:31]:

So that was my experience as well. I was a stay home mom. I had three at the time. I had a 6 year old and two 4 year olds at home. My 6 year old was special needs. Like my twins had health difficulties and going two and a half hours away, you know what I mean? Like, that was the only right for specialists and that was the only thing I really did was mom and wife and we had the white picket fence appearance. I. You know what I mean? And so to lose all of that and now I’m having to like, okay, how am I gonna support and be a stay at home mom? I have my cosmic toxic license and I would work here and there.

Producer Joy [00:05:13]:

So it wasn’t. I had a place to go in terms of a profession, but going through that identity of moving from the white picket and fence, everything’s perfect. On social media, having three small children to now, okay, now I have to find babysitters and now to have transportation and now I have to get Tylenol at 2am And I think that’s probably one of the most moments in that journey in that season that, that resonated so much to me is because I always had someone with me and now I don’t. And now my kid is sick and I’m ran out of Tylenol and have no one. And I’m trying to juggle all of that, but also try to figure out how I got here at 40 years old. Now I’m be single at 40 with three small children trying to figure out who I am and how did I get here, but also be the mom that they need. So I’m trying to work on myself and they keep on asking me questions I can’t answer, I don’t understand and falling on the floor crying with them as I’m navigating. And we’ll talk more about that later in the episode about nervous system states and tools.

Producer Joy [00:06:31]:

But like in that moment of trying to navigate this world that I don’t know and I don’t know how to navigate as, as a 40 year old single mom of three small children and now having to go to work and wash the dishes and cook the meals and do the laundry and all those.

Dawn Wiggins [00:06:49]:

Things that I just zero stars do not recommend. Yeah, yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:06:56]:

People always ask me, they’re like, what was harder? Was it staying at home or was it being a working mom? Like, which one was harder? And I say they both are fucking hard. They’re both fucking hard. Like if you’re, if you’re a stay at home mom or you were like, you have all my love. Because it is hard, working moms, it’s the same thing. Like, it’s just motherhood is hard no matter how we approach it. And when you’re doing it by yourself, it magnifies everything. And, and yeah, like I said, I joked before, I wanted to be the mom that baked the pies, you know, and dressed like the pinup girl and you know what I mean, like all that cute stuff, you know. And then I, I went into the zone where like I was still trying to do all of that for her and be present with her.

Coach Tiffini [00:07:38]:

And I think that’s the thing that I miss the most is how do I be a present mother with her and do all the things I want to do without getting lost in my own thoughts? Because again, with my identity loss, I had just moved to the Beach. You know, anytime she wasn’t with me, I was out. I was partying. I got my nose pierced. I went and got a few new tattoos. Like, I was really reaching.

Dawn Wiggins [00:07:59]:

Ladies, I know what will solve this pain.

Coach Tiffini [00:08:03]:

Gonna shove a needle through my nose. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:08:10]:

You know what? I. I have learned now, a decade later, that truly, what matters most to my kid is my presence.

Dawn Wiggins [00:08:19]:

Right?

Dawn Wiggins [00:08:19]:

Like, truly, truly, truly. That’s what she wants more than anything, is my undivided attention and ability to, like, interface with her in a way that feels attuned and interested and proud and whatever, right? And to just, like, be with her in a meaningful way. But I will tell you that many, many years ago, when I was doing the, like, let me be the do everything mom, like, let me make sure you have everything, I didn’t have my attention. The vacations, the belongings, the birthday parties, like, all the things, right? And it was sort of about the production of it all. She still didn’t appreciate all of that in the way that I needed her to. And how much time, money, and energy did I spend trying to chase giving her everything when the thing that she really, really wanted and needed more than anything was just presence? And I think that that’s the thing that we, as mothers need also, is presence with and for ourselves. And it’s the thing we run away from at this season, right? Is the ability to be present. Because when we’re present with ourselves, then the pain comes crashing in, then the grief comes crashing in, and we just want to freaking run away from all of that pa.

Dawn Wiggins [00:09:26]:

So it’s like, I think we sell ourselves a lie that if I stay busy giving my kids all these things and trying to bridge the gap and blah, blah, blah, blah, I can both escape my pain and escape my fear that they’re gonna be missing something. But really there’s, like, there’s no going around it. Yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:09:44]:

I remember I was at a get together when Ari was younger, and some mom came up to me and she was a married mom, and she said to me, I always feel like single moms overcompensate for their kids. And I remember being so pissed off at that comment. But it was so true. It was so true, at least for me, because I felt like I had to be everything. I had to be mom and dad. I had to be nurture and disciplinarian, which. That’s a fucked up line to walk anyway, I think, for anybody. So for me, yeah, it was so difficult for me to try to figure out how to do all the Things and be everything for her.

Coach Tiffini [00:10:20]:

When, like you said, all she wanted was, was me to go sit on the beach with her and watch her do cartwheels. You know, she didn’t know how poor we were in the beginning. Like, she had no idea how much we were struggling financially. Like, if mom came home with a smile on her face at the end of the day and we could spend time playing Barbies or playing a board game or cuddled up watching a movie, she was in heaven. Like, that’s it.

Dawn Wiggins [00:10:43]:

And I don’t know about you, but I was terrible at playing with my kid. Like, I was not able to be present enough to, like, sit and play with my kid. I could sometimes muster coloring with her. And so I would say, like, let’s color together. But, like, other than that, like, no, I feel that.

Producer Joy [00:10:59]:

And the reason I laugh is because my girls and I were talking about this the other day is because I did. I was not a good player. I was a good. Facilitating an activity mom. Like the coloring, the play, doh. Stuff like that. But as playing. And so we were driving down the road just the other day talking about it.

Producer Joy [00:11:14]:

And so we would play Barbies, and I’d always be the mom Barbie, but then mom Barbie had to take a nap. So mom would go take a nap, and they were like, you were always so tired as a Barbie.

Dawn Wiggins [00:11:26]:

I’m like, yes, exactly, exactly, exactly. All right, loves. Let’s talk about, you know, the nervous system and how it really struggles as single mom after divorce. Because the brain, the mind, the mind and the nervous system, right? They’re not good at discerning true threat versus perceived threat.

Dawn Wiggins [00:11:48]:

Right?

Dawn Wiggins [00:11:48]:

So it just bases its reactions and its responses based off what our beliefs are and what our thoughts dictate.

Dawn Wiggins [00:11:55]:

Right?

Dawn Wiggins [00:11:55]:

And so if we don’t get a hold of our thoughts and we don’t intentionally coach our minds and our nervous systems, right? It just keeps going the way that it’s been going.

Dawn Wiggins [00:12:04]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:12:04]:

The past ends up predicting the future. So let’s talk about, like, in these early days post divorce, and you’re single momming, and it feels like letting your kids go is dangerous and then they’re not safe and that you have to control it. And maybe they aren’t safe. Maybe they are, right? But it’s like, where your nervous system stays chronically and constantly activated because you feel so out of control. What would you say to the woman who’s really struggling to discern how to take care of her own nervous system in those early days of transition?

Coach Tiffini [00:12:42]:

I always challenge My clients and say it’s safety and control. What is it that you’re seeking right now? Are you trying to gain control because you don’t like how he has his home set up? You don’t like how he parents, how he spends his time that he has friends over? Like, what is it? Or is your child seriously in danger? Because there are two different things, and I dealt with both in my divorce. There were times when I was seeking so much control because I didn’t like the way that things were going. However, there were times when my child was truly in danger, you know, in her younger years, growing up with her dad, who is, you know, an extreme adrenaline junkie, and just kind of, you know, took her along for the ride. Yeah. So, like, there were. Yeah. So, you know, like, yes, there were times when I felt like it was an issue, but then also, what I would challenge you to say is that.

Coach Tiffini [00:13:32]:

Are your kids also feeling that and. And driving it too? Because there were times when my daughter would try to dramatize certain situations, knowing that I would get involved or jump in when really she wasn’t in danger at all. It was perfectly fine.

Dawn Wiggins [00:13:45]:

You know, and though I think that a lot of it’s both for many, many women.

Dawn Wiggins [00:13:52]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:13:52]:

Like. Like, there is the stories we tell ourselves, right. And the perceived threat, and that is real.

Dawn Wiggins [00:13:58]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:13:58]:

And then also, like, I think about some.

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:02]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:02]:

Like. Like the type A mom, which I would certainly say that I’m like a recovering type A that still has heavy type A tendencies, where it’s like, I would be the mom that’s like, I don’t like the food choices you’re making for our child. She can’t have three pieces of cheese. She can only have one like that. That would be me, right? Like, yeah. And also.

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:24]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:25]:

My ex would be the person also who would have been driving under the influence, you know, so there would be, like, this combination of things.

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:33]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:33]:

But at the end of the day, when we don’t have the ability to control, how are we getting back and grounding our nervous systems so that we can have moments of safety? And then what are we relying on to. To create safety?

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:47]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:14:47]:

Are we recognizing how our nervous system’s being grounded is part of creating safety for our children? That when we’re in constant fight, flight, or freeze, that we are not a grounded sense of safe feeling for our kids?

Dawn Wiggins [00:15:01]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:15:01]:

You can’t fake nervous system regulation or dysregulation. It’s vibrational, and their energy fields will pick up on it.

Dawn Wiggins [00:15:08]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:15:09]:

I think that If I could really help moms all over the world hear that your nervous system grounded and elastic, right? Nervous systems are meant to be able to respond in a healthy way to stress and have proper reactivity in a time of stress. And then also are meant to like, return to a healthy, flexible state where you can rest and digest right. Where you can feel, perceive a sense of safety as well. And I think post divorce single momming does not lend itself to feeling a sense of safety. But like that is what actually creates the healthiest attachment style and the healthiest nervous system for our kiddos is when our nervous systems are grounded and well and flexible. And I think to do that we have to have also a faith in something greater than us. There is this mystery of faith that I think also says like, okay, the solution has to be bigger than the problem and I have to keep my eyes on working a solution because if I keep looking at this problem, my nervous system is never going to feel safe.

Coach Tiffini [00:16:06]:

And you want your kids to be a safe space to come home for the weekend and share how their weekend went without feeling like you’re constantly analyzing everything they say and poking and prodding because that’s not fair either. And kids will start filtering well and they’ll, they’ll feel a need to protect that parent. And so you’ve got to be able to be that safe space for them without reacting. You can get on the phone with him and react, but not with your kids.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:32]:

I mean, but how useful is. Is that even for most people?

Coach Tiffini [00:16:36]:

It’s, it’s not.

Dawn Wiggins [00:16:38]:

Yeah, I think it’s, it’s not, it’s all part of letting go, right. I think that letting go is such a journey and it happens in layers and it’s such a challenge. And you know, we talk a lot about grief around here, but sort of the idea that at least at first, right, the grief doesn’t go away. It’s just like you build a life around the grief that gets bigger than the grief, right? And, and that’s, and if you keep staying focused on the problem and the grief, like, yes, you have to feel it, you have to release it, you have to accept it, you have to forgive it. You have to do all of these things while single momming. I mean, and all of that, right? The secrets we keep, the, in this post divorce phase, like all the things about what he did or didn’t do and all of the things about what we did and didn’t do, right. All of that is a constant chronic nervous system aggravator. When all of that is living in our body.

Dawn Wiggins [00:17:29]:

So, yeah, good point, right? How do we, how do we help our nervous systems really downshift so that we can truly be safe places, attuned places for ourselves and for our kiddos?

Coach Tiffini [00:17:38]:

Yeah, well, and I think what I would want women to realize too is that, look, you’re divorced for a reason. Clearly there were things that you were not on the same page about. So why would parenting be any different? And just because your ex is giving your. Yeah, right. But like, even though your ex is giving your child a different experience, it doesn’t mean that it’s a bad experience. And I have so many friends too, that they get jealous as hell that, like, the ex can take the kids here and there and do this and do that. And why, like Disney, not just be happy with your kid? Like, be happy that, you know, we’re jealous.

Dawn Wiggins [00:18:13]:

Jealous. We’re jealous. We’re jealous. We’re jealous.

Coach Tiffini [00:18:15]:

I hate that. I know. I just remedy for that because I’m like, oh my God, you know, like, my ex has been able to take my daughter to do some really amazing things that some of them I wouldn’t be able to afford some of them, you know, at certain times or whatever. And I was always genuinely happy for her. Like when she came back, I was always so excited to hear about it because I just was so happy that she got the experience even though I wasn’t there.

Dawn Wiggins [00:18:38]:

Well, some of us really struggle more with jealousy than you do than Tifferdoodle.

Coach Tiffini [00:18:42]:

I guess so. And I’m not saying that I wasn’t resentful as fuck about all that. Like, I was really resentful about a lot of that. But as far as, like, him being able to take her places and do things with her, you know, I was good with it. Him having wife number two, wife number three, spending holidays together, I didn’t care. I was like, the more the merrier. Come on in. Like, it’s fine, it’s fine.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:06]:

And that’s genuinely true.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:08]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:08]:

The more the merrier really generally tends to be the case.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:12]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:12]:

Like, love and life is not a pie. There are infinite solutions. There’s infinite love. But a lot of times we’re not tapped into that. And. Yeah, but. Yeah. All right, let’s talk a bit about one of the places we tend to see moms leak energy the most.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:28]:

And it’s sort of this idea of second guessing everything and really parenting from a place of anxiety rather than intuition and just really overthinking, over analyzing, second guessing, worrying about what he’s gonna say what the court is gonna say, what the other people are gonna like. Just really sort of not being able to get a handle on just living from a place of groundedness.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:54]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:19:55]:

Let’s talk about some of the telltale signs you’re stuck in that energy leak loop. Because I think most people don’t realize I cannot scream this from the rooftops loud enough that motherhood actually isn’t as exhausting as it has a reputation for being. We as a modern female community are exhausted. Our vital force is depleted in general, period. And it’s because we’re demineralized. It’s because we’re under arrested. It’s because our priorities are in the wrong place. It’s because of how we’ve been living for a very, very long time.

Dawn Wiggins [00:20:25]:

And so we’re just exhausted everywhere. And that gets pinned on motherhood.

Dawn Wiggins [00:20:30]:

Right?

Dawn Wiggins [00:20:30]:

But motherhood itself isn’t that exhausting. But we end up wasting a lot of our precious, precious energy on anxiety loops and not being grounded in a sense of intuition. So let’s help the ladies really hear, right? How they can identify when they’re stuck in that energy leak loop and how to shift out of it, how to break that cycle.

Producer Joy [00:20:55]:

I feel like I’m still and breaking that cycle, so I love that.

Dawn Wiggins [00:21:00]:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were texting about that this week.

Producer Joy [00:21:02]:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the thing that I’m trying to do currently, right, this is like a, this is the journey I am on real time to break the cycle of giving away my energy when I don’t have it to give and then I. And then I wind up crashing. And so, like, let me break that down a little bit differently. Let me say it differently. I have been a people pleaser. My. You know, one of my managers is a people pleaser and I have been a.

Producer Joy [00:21:31]:

I pride myself that God put me on this earth to serve and I, I genuinely bring joy. It brings me joy to serve and to be the fun, exciting mom that plans all these minute to win it parties for their children and extravagant end of summer days blowout. I love. Right, I love that. But what I have been working on personally is I can’t say yes to everything because a, I’m, I’m depleted and I need to own the fact that I have, I have caused myself to be so depleted by saying yes and doing all the things and being available and you know, and so now I have a 13 year old who gets mad at me because I asked her to wash a dish. You know what I Mean, because I’ve. I’ve always just been the person that does it. And so I’m trying to retrain my family as well as myself that it’s.

Producer Joy [00:22:35]:

I shouldn’t. A common phrase I’ve been saying a lot lately is I’m the single point of failure. Like everything in this home, in this house and their childhood is on me. And that is absolutely not the way it’s supposed to be. And so we’re supposed to be a team, we’re supposed to be a family, we’re supposed to be a unit. Right. And so saying no more than I say yes has been a theme. But that’s everything.

Producer Joy [00:23:00]:

Excuse me, that’s everything. That’s like saying no to my friends. So I. Because I’m gonna be at the ball field here or at the skating rink here, or I have too much already happening. So saying no more than I say yes say no to my children when. Okay, I’ve already done X, Y and Z today. And now I’m overstimulated and tired, which tells me, my body tells me that I need to start saying no. And you guys are going to have to figure it out because you’re capable individuals, you know, so like sometimes letting go of dinner just.

Producer Joy [00:23:38]:

We’re going to have cereal tonight.

Dawn Wiggins [00:23:40]:

Cereal for dinner.

Producer Joy [00:23:41]:

Because that’s where I’m at and it’s been a very busy day and my brain is kaput and I don’t want to wash the dishes or I don’t want to do this. Like we’re going to have a self care night and we’re. Everybody’s going to have cereal and it’s going to be fine. You know, they’re nutritious 80% of the time.

Dawn Wiggins [00:23:57]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:23:58]:

Do you think that the capacity to let go of the second guessing and the saying yes more often than you say no, do you sense that at the root of that is the capacity for self acceptance and identity and self love and choosing self versus being chosen. And like. Yeah, yeah. It’s like when I.

Producer Joy [00:24:16]:

Yes.

Dawn Wiggins [00:24:17]:

When I choose to love and accept myself, then I’m not so vulnerable to every other motherfucker’s opinion because my identity is grounded in something true.

Dawn Wiggins [00:24:26]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:24:26]:

Like my higher powers vision for me and of me and my own like grounded sense of self. And so then I’m not trying to please everybody all the time to gain my approval or my sense of self or whatever. Yeah. So it’s like such a journey to turn that page. It’s like a slow turn. I think it comes right.

Producer Joy [00:24:43]:

This is Some. Right, right, right. So this is something I was going to get into more on our Thursday episode because like letting them have emotions, like, it’s okay if you’re mad at me, you’re allowed to be, but this is what’s happening, you know, like this is what, this is what I need. And letting them have that experience as well, because that’s only solidifies who they are as people. Right. Being able to handle emotions and. But like it’s important that they see me have self care and self awareness. And so.

Producer Joy [00:25:17]:

Oh, we’ve started this new thing is self awareness snapshot. So like when my girls have self awareness now.

Dawn Wiggins [00:25:26]:

Yeah.

Producer Joy [00:25:27]:

And it’s just like a little. So we’ve started that because I want them to be functional adults who can handle emotions because I, I didn’t ever in self care and self awareness and all those things. I didn’t have that awareness and how, how different. You know what I mean? So all the other things, but.

Dawn Wiggins [00:25:48]:

Right, but being able to tolerate other. Yeah. Being able to tolerate other people being mad.

Dawn Wiggins [00:25:52]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:25:53]:

It’s like because if my identity or my worth is tied to you never being mad at me, then I’m never going to hold you accountable for anything. And then I’m going to have to keep spinning all the plates. Yeah. And that is the energy leak right there.

Producer Joy [00:26:05]:

Yeah, the energy. Yeah.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:09]:

So then the work becomes developing a sense of worth that goes well beyond what you can do and is more about who you are and, and your capacity to get grounded and not just stay spinning.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:21]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:21]:

And to be in touch with your intuition. What is my. What am I meant to think, feel, say, do next? Like not just driven by obsessive thinking or big, big feelings.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:33]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:33]:

What about my intuition? And I can’t find my intuition unless I can get grounded. And to get grounded, I have to be able to put my phone down, put all the distractions down. I have to probably get barefoot in my yard and I have to probably be listening more than I’m speaking or just being present more than I’m consuming.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:51]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:52]:

Whatever I’m consuming, whether it’s screen time or podcasts or even this podcast.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:55]:

Right.

Dawn Wiggins [00:26:55]:

Like sometimes we have to be able to sit and get quiet and listen for the bigger picture in order to take the next right step in the direction of groundedness and self worth.

Producer Joy [00:27:08]:

I really love that you just said that because I had, I had one that was in my brain. I wanted to say that because Energy leak. Even though energy suck. Right. Even though I’m making all these choices, I was Noticing that I’m going through audiobooks or I’m going through podcasts, or I’m going through music so fast. Because I was constantly filling every gap that I had, like washing dishes or, you know, mopping the floor. I was constantly having stimulation, input and so being able to. Right.

Producer Joy [00:27:48]:

So being able to kind of pause that. And now I actually have to set a boundary with myself of, okay, I’m only going to do an hour of such and such or whatever, because I need to, I need to calm that nervous system and I need to, you know, the other morning, my children, I have three of them and they’re all really intense and loud because they’re all roughly the same age. And so I stopped my morning mid morning, it was a cluster of a morning, and just went outside and put my bare feet in the grass and I just accepted, you know, I’m gonna be late. Because this is more important than getting myself grounded. Because that’s not a tool that I had back then. I didn’t really know what grounding was and I think that is so important. So if you don’t ground listeners, if you do not ground yourself outside right now, I promise you, if you try it, it makes a difference quickly. Just give yourself a few minutes outside with your feet.

Dawn Wiggins [00:28:48]:

I am the weird neighbor who’s always in her front yard barefoot.

Coach Tiffini [00:28:55]:

I’m always barefoot as well. I’m always. We have woods in the back and I’m always walking barefoot through the woods. And I’m always, you know, Frank’s always yelling at me, saying, oh my God, you’re gonna. And I’m like, no, no, no. Like, this is.

Dawn Wiggins [00:29:05]:

No, no, this is what I need now. What’s weird is my backyard. My backyard is way prettier than my front yard, but I’m always in the front yard. Why? I don’t know.

Coach Tiffini [00:29:16]:

Maybe the grass is plushier, who knows?

Dawn Wiggins [00:29:19]:

I don’t know.

Coach Tiffini [00:29:19]:

Yeah, but I think, you know, at the end of the day, as mothers, we’re so conditioned to put others first, especially our children. And I think we really have to flip flop that. Because if you wake up and you are being controlled by your feelings, if you are wallowing in feelings of resentment and anger and impatience and you’re having a really hard time finding yourself, that’s a clear indication that your nervous system is severely dysregulated and you need to do something to bring yourself back into alignment.

Producer Joy [00:29:49]:

Preach Tiffany Preacher.

Dawn Wiggins [00:29:53]:

So I talk about this a lot lately. Like, I understand that my kid is getting more mature and she’s Older now, but like her capacity to be on a team is so much more profound. Her capacity to like get herself up in the morning, make her own breakfast and like keep her room clean and study for homework, like all that stuff. She didn’t have the vital force, she didn’t have the vibrancy, right? She was, her whole system was sluggish and that affected how much energy she had, how much attention she had, how it like, it affected every part of her. And the more vital she becomes, right, the healthier she gets, the more energy she has to contribute not only to her own responsibilities, but to being on the team. So I always say that every human behavior has an explanation. Every single human behavior, including your asshole ex husband’s behavior, has an explanation. And when we are relentless about finding the explanation and applying the solution, the solution comes.

Dawn Wiggins [00:30:53]:

But you have to be relentless. That like I’ve always come back to whether it was like Al Anon in early pre divorce days, like separation and pre divorce days, like, or you know, yogic principles or like spiritual principles via my faith, right? There were always these principles that there are promises made, you know, spiritual promises made to us when we live in alignment. And I’ve always come back to that. And I have honestly many, many, many nights screamed and cried at God and said like, you made promises, where the fuck are the answers, right? And I believe that those answers have been delivered in many, many, many, many, many, many formats. And so I think very often we cry and we wail and we gnash our teeth and we demand answers. But then we can’t recognize the answers when they come and we can’t let them in. And so they require leaps of faith. There is a mystery to faith and there is a mystery to this healing process that you have to take leaps of faith because you cannot.

Dawn Wiggins [00:31:49]:

It’s a transformation. It’s a process of rising from somewhere low vibe to somewhere high vibe. And it’s like, you know, you could pray for a million dollars, but you’re not a vibrational match for a million dollars or whatever it is. You know what I mean? Like, you have to become a vibrational match for the solution. And that means you have to leap and trust that the net is going to appear. And so, you know, for our family, we put a lot of energy and effort into non traditional ways of strengthening vital force. We eat pretty darn healthy, you know what I mean? Like, we really do watch, like no food dies. No, like we don’t drink, you know.

Producer Joy [00:32:26]:

We buy spring water.

Dawn Wiggins [00:32:29]:

Like we put a lot of energy into the chiropractor every week and particular supplements and homeopathy and all the things. And eventually, over time, all of that paid off to increase in strength and vital force. And I promise you, we could not always afford those things, and we did them anyways as best as we could.

Dawn Wiggins [00:32:49]:

Right?

Dawn Wiggins [00:32:49]:

But also, like, sunlight is healing, and being sunlight without sunscreen is healing, and being barefoot in your yard is healing, and sweating is healing, and exercise is healing, and none of those things cost money. None of them. So it’s like journaling is free. It doesn’t cost money, and it’s very, very healing. Hey, pair journaling with being in the front yard in the sun. You know what I mean? Like, it’s gonna. Like, you could start somewhere. We could all start somewhere.

Dawn Wiggins [00:33:14]:

And it’s consistency over time versus going ham. You know what I mean? And. But you have to stick with it, and you have to be relentless about finding alignment and. And trusting that the promises will come. But you gotta let it in.

Coach Tiffini [00:33:27]:

Okay, So I came out of an IFS session the other day where one of my clients had a huge breakthrough. And every time I come out of an IFS session, I told Don, I feel like I am covered in something that is not of this world. It is this stardust. Beautiful. I feel like I have been transcended to another dimension with these people. Kind of think Stranger Things because I’m a big stranger, so maybe I’m in the Upside Down.

Producer Joy [00:33:49]:

Okay.

Dawn Wiggins [00:33:50]:

1. I have a very dark concept of what Stranger Things is, though, and I feel like you’re painting a picture of a very light concept. But maybe I misunderstand Stranger Things through ifs.

Coach Tiffini [00:34:00]:

I feel like I’m going through very dark parts with people, though. Like, I’m walking with them as they, you know. So that’s kind of where I get darkness.

Dawn Wiggins [00:34:07]:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Coach Tiffini [00:34:09]:

So I’m thinking, like, I want so many people to experience this. I want so many people to experience the breakthroughs that our clients get through ifs and all the work that we’re doing. And so how do we.

Producer Joy [00:34:20]:

Yeah, yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:34:21]:

So, like, how do we draw them in? We give away free shit. Like, who doesn’t love free shit?

Dawn Wiggins [00:34:26]:

We all love free shit.

Coach Tiffini [00:34:30]:

So if you join our online community, the Cocoon, every Monday, we drop a really cool little challenge for you to do to get involved, and we give away free shit. So why would you not want to do it? Jump in on this. We’re very excited. You can also DM me. You can DM producer Joy, say, hey, we’d love to hear from you. Inside of you. Inside of Cocoon.

Dawn Wiggins [00:34:51]:

Yeah.

Coach Tiffini [00:34:52]:

We are so excited to meet you.

Dawn Wiggins [00:34:53]:

So how do we get in? So we’re running this new special right now, right. Where you can get post divorce roadmap for free, which is our immersive journaling program. 21 days of immersive journaling. And so the link is at the all the way at the bottom of the show notes, so that if you follow the link, you get your first magic drop is you get post divorce roadmap for free. And so then you’re inside the cocoon community, where then you get coach Tiffany’s invites to do the weekly challenge. And then how does it work? Like, if I participate in the weekly challenge, I’m entered to win or how’s that go?

Coach Tiffini [00:35:23]:

Yes. All you have to do is the weekly challenge, and you’re automatically entered to win. And we pick a winner every Monday.

Dawn Wiggins [00:35:29]:

We’re also accepting suggestions for the kind of shit you’d like to win, right?

Coach Tiffini [00:35:32]:

Yes, we are. Absolutely. Mm. Yeah. Think like self care items, homeopathy goodies, sessions with me. Yeah, all kinds of good stuff.

Dawn Wiggins [00:35:44]:

Okay, so the link is all the way at the bottom of the show notes. So hop. Claim your post divorce roadmap, hop into cocoon, and join us for the weekly magic drops. We love you so much.

Producer Joy [00:35:58]:

Peace.

Dawn Wiggins [00:36:07]:

Dear. Divorce Diary is a podcast by My Coach Dawn. You can find more mycoachdawn.com.